Aversion and craving. This is what wipes out the sprouts that never quite make it to bough in my growth. Last week I wrote about how being in a state of high arousal can trigger some of the old habit patterns that I hold from living in ongoing trauma. But of course, being in low arousal can trigger these too. Being calm, the memories, the pain, the patterns, the sensations float up. Being bored, which is the most challenging kind of low arousal state, is what triggers the craving for drama to shake things up.
I experienced this yesterday in my one day Vipassana retreat. Of course I went into this hoping for peak meditative experiences. I had one early in Anapana, my breath became so short and shallow it became like a small circular pump at my nostrils, and breathing became more like a quiet, beating pulse than a whole body process. I became anxious, but with equanimity, I was able to see how this quick breathing could really help me in reacting to the inevitable stresses that arise when the past aversions and cravings arise.
Aware, equanimous. Goenka's sonorous voice became a one two anti-punch, as I sat with the subtle waves of pleasure and displeasure. Be aware of the sensation, respond with equanimty. Break the cycle of proliferation of aversion and craving. Old habit patterns rise up. New habit patterns take their place, and with diligence, ardent diligence, they take root.
I ate my lunch slowly, very slowly. So slowly, I couldn't imagine even finishing a small and simple lunch I had brought, in the time that I had. Not if I wanted to have time to go for a walk. If I could implant this new habit, the cravings and aversions that derail healthy, wholesome eating might have the chance of making it into a bough. But I need to be patient. Boughs don't grow overnight. I have the advantage of looking at almost seven years of data on my weight loss and gain. I've gained a little over a pound a year to where I now hover at the cusp of overweight and obese. I don't want to find myself a decade from now normalizing obesity.
But more important than that, I don't want to be driven by the hungry ghost that makes that happen. I want to be driven by the awareness and equanimity that will reverse this trend. I want to look at this graph a year from now and see a cliff, then steady ground, maybe even a valley. That can only happen if the cravings have dried up. The ghost has finally been allowed to find peace.
But I want to look at this graph seven years from now and see the evidence that this bough of healthy eating finally got the support it needed to flourish and mature.
