It hurts to admit this to myself, here in this blog, a little over eleven years after it started it: I have abandoned standing.
Slowly I let sitting meditation become my core practice, and I'm not entirely sorry I did that. But I have paid the price physically. I have much in the way of spiritual, emotional and intellectual discipline, but I am sapped of that core vitality. I barely have the discipline to go for a walk. I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. I am officially obese!
And I look old. I am middle aged, but I know I've aged tremendously in the last year.
I know this has something to do with a very stressful, successful, but all encompassing year at work. I know I've been eating poorly because I have the money to order in. And of course, television.
But I know that getting back to standing will reverse this. Or do I?
I believe that getting back to standing will reverse this.
Yesterday, I had the idea that it was time to turn this blog into a book. It had occurred to me to change the name to disguise the fact that I was no longer standing. Okay maybe not disguise, but acknowledge. But how can I write a book that ends with me feeling looking sapped?
Fine, I turned to sitting. It's been amazing. I've learned tons and broadened my study and of awareness. But standing keeps me happy and healthy. It's my root practice and without it I'm vulnerable.
Also, I'm not sure Ben will ever embrace sitting meditation. He's not in great shape these days either. But maybe I could inspire him to stand. He's so strong. I know it would make him feel more powerful.
So this is it. Research for the last chapter.
Returning home.
