If my morning journals are anything to go by, I'm getting more clarity and wisdom in my life. But, there's one sentence I wrote that rings true. My ego continues to leap up, like a beagle my family once had, desperately trying to grab food from the dinner table. There's still a compulsion in me and in one moment, so if feels like, it can sabotage everything.
At least that's what it feels like at work these day, where for whatever reason, valid or not, I'm not feeling safe. I'm tired of my ego and its paranoid storylines. I'm tired of how much energy it takes to have daydream arguments with everyone in the company. I'm tired of how much television it takes to numb the misery that it has created for me. I'm tried of eating my pain.
I want to be who I really am, this calm and steady and clear awareness. I want to feel pulled into the drama of subtle changes in my psyche. I want to feel a healthy detachment from the dramas that everyone else is living in.
I want to stay committed to awareness of breath, nostrils, sensation in the body. I want to keep writing from that place.
Yet, I feel like I'm breaking up with myself. When instead I'm reuniting with myself . When instead I'm coming home after decades of war. And the self I'm coming back to has been keeping things safe, and loving.
