If I am to live a life of abundance, I'm going to have to get a grip on my tendency to get overexcited when things start to go well. This is a recurring pattern in my life. I can see it in this journal. What I want to see now is the recurring path out.
Overexcitement feels like energy trapped in my head, So when I'm dealing with it this week, I'm watching it like any energy that will sink down to my core if I simply sit and watch it. The goal of that practice is to bring it down to a more joyful constructive excitement, an enthusiasm that becomes motivation.
Pema Chodron calls overexcitement the "near enemy" of joy. In the past I've tended to focus on the enemy part of that label. But just for today I'm going to focus on the nearness. Overexcitement is a emotion that is close to joy and to try too hard to manage it, does mean risking its close and wonderful peer. Better to think of it as a frenemy.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
White Noise
Struggling today with some overexcitement. I'm happy my agent likes the chapter I sent her, but I know I've still got some work to do now in another chapter. I'm trying to stay on track with some bread and butter work that I'd like to do well so that I have a stable source of income that lets me take some time with the book, although I'd love in the end to have the kind of writing career where I can be supported by book writing. Who wouldn't!
Regardless, I have a lot work and a lot of things happening right now. And the word of the year is abundance. I want to write a successful proposal and have enough money to finish this book. But I want to do a good job for McGill because whether this book is successful is not entirely in my control, and I have a responsibility to myself and to Ben to provide us with stable income. Communications work at an important university is stable.
So the challenge today is how to get my mind in the best place. First strategy is to use overexcitment as support for practice. This is an effect of change, of success of good things, but I need to learn how to let it sink down and integrate into my gut. So in meditation today, which is more towards the short times, many times schedule, I'm doing a lot of recognizing how this overexcitement is stuck in my head and how to just let it sink.
I noticed in letting it sink, that one thing that brings it down, and starts me on the path of balance is listening. I don't listen well. I don't listen to my kindwise advocate (a presence I've hacked from Jeffrey Schwartz). I don't listen to the people around me. I don't listen to my self. I don't listen enough. But listening brings the energy where its spinning around in my eye area, to my inner ear and then sets it on the path down to my heart and my gut.
Another thing I'm trying today is white noise. Abundance is the good side of chaos, and maybe a bit of sound chaos will help settle my brain. Today maybe I'm lurching through life. But it's all in the service of this big full catastrophe of a world.
Regardless, I have a lot work and a lot of things happening right now. And the word of the year is abundance. I want to write a successful proposal and have enough money to finish this book. But I want to do a good job for McGill because whether this book is successful is not entirely in my control, and I have a responsibility to myself and to Ben to provide us with stable income. Communications work at an important university is stable.
So the challenge today is how to get my mind in the best place. First strategy is to use overexcitment as support for practice. This is an effect of change, of success of good things, but I need to learn how to let it sink down and integrate into my gut. So in meditation today, which is more towards the short times, many times schedule, I'm doing a lot of recognizing how this overexcitement is stuck in my head and how to just let it sink.
I noticed in letting it sink, that one thing that brings it down, and starts me on the path of balance is listening. I don't listen well. I don't listen to my kindwise advocate (a presence I've hacked from Jeffrey Schwartz). I don't listen to the people around me. I don't listen to my self. I don't listen enough. But listening brings the energy where its spinning around in my eye area, to my inner ear and then sets it on the path down to my heart and my gut.
Another thing I'm trying today is white noise. Abundance is the good side of chaos, and maybe a bit of sound chaos will help settle my brain. Today maybe I'm lurching through life. But it's all in the service of this big full catastrophe of a world.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Abundance
I read a thought-provoking post yesterday that suggested creating a one word theme for the upcoming year. This is my first post for 2015, so I've decided to start the year right with a word: abundance.
This same writer a few weeks back had remarked on a Christmas New Yorker cover that featured two apartments, the upstairs hipster and minimalist. The downstairs hipster and flea market cozy. Which apartment you preferred, she claimed told you much about who you were and what you needed to accept about yourself.
I'm the downstairs dweller. While I love a clean, spacious home, I feel most at ease surrounded by stuff. It doesn't have to be expensive, or even emotionally valuable stuff. I'm more comfortable sitting in garbage than spic and span Feng Shui perfect spot. I want my life to be simple, but my nature is cozy and cluttered.
Knowing this I've decided to make this year about how to manage this temperament without getting weighed down with all the baggage I tend to accumulate, physically and emotionally.
For instance, committing to basic cleaning rituals, even if my house is surface messy, makes me feel grounded. Fifteen minutes a day, and one hour a week, and morning and evening routines of about five minutes each, really is enough for me. If I fall behind on that my life iterates from abundance to chaos pretty fast.
In general I'm better off adding more than trying to deprive myself. More successful at maintaining an exercise regime, and adding healthier foods, than trying to cut down on how much I eat. More is actually less for me, as long as that more is healthy and quality.
In terms of my practice. The last few weeks I've been cultivating a feeling of timeless awareness. My aim in the next few months is to really stabilize, in my gut, this strong sense of there being a boundless, open field of love. I've been thinking a bit, because of my book, about the Higgs boson particle. About the possibility that there is this field all around us with no pull, no push. Just blank immeasurable space. The stuff of pure awareness, everywhere, all around us. What if this was saturated in love, and there always, even when we aren't aware of this awareness?
Wouldn't that be grand!
This same writer a few weeks back had remarked on a Christmas New Yorker cover that featured two apartments, the upstairs hipster and minimalist. The downstairs hipster and flea market cozy. Which apartment you preferred, she claimed told you much about who you were and what you needed to accept about yourself.
I'm the downstairs dweller. While I love a clean, spacious home, I feel most at ease surrounded by stuff. It doesn't have to be expensive, or even emotionally valuable stuff. I'm more comfortable sitting in garbage than spic and span Feng Shui perfect spot. I want my life to be simple, but my nature is cozy and cluttered.
Knowing this I've decided to make this year about how to manage this temperament without getting weighed down with all the baggage I tend to accumulate, physically and emotionally.
For instance, committing to basic cleaning rituals, even if my house is surface messy, makes me feel grounded. Fifteen minutes a day, and one hour a week, and morning and evening routines of about five minutes each, really is enough for me. If I fall behind on that my life iterates from abundance to chaos pretty fast.
In general I'm better off adding more than trying to deprive myself. More successful at maintaining an exercise regime, and adding healthier foods, than trying to cut down on how much I eat. More is actually less for me, as long as that more is healthy and quality.
In terms of my practice. The last few weeks I've been cultivating a feeling of timeless awareness. My aim in the next few months is to really stabilize, in my gut, this strong sense of there being a boundless, open field of love. I've been thinking a bit, because of my book, about the Higgs boson particle. About the possibility that there is this field all around us with no pull, no push. Just blank immeasurable space. The stuff of pure awareness, everywhere, all around us. What if this was saturated in love, and there always, even when we aren't aware of this awareness?
Wouldn't that be grand!
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Self
Last week in my Joy of Living practice I meditated on my sense of self. I noticed how much it changed depending on what I was doing, how I was being. How my sense of self felt strong and wise when I'm sitting with a belly full of chi. How I felt powerless and vulnerable after a fight with my son. How I felt competent after completing a cleaning ritual. How I felt protected by the routines I've established with Ben to get things back on track after an argument has signaled to us that something has unravelled.
Each self feels like a different person almost. Each self doesn't last, though these selves return like breath. Each self is a reminder that there is not unified permanent self that I can hate, or take pride in.
I returned to a practice that I haven't done for a while, loving the self that keeps me on track. Taking time to thank that self that gets me out running, reminds me to do the things I don't always feel like doing, but that as a whole make me feel safe, well and strong for others.
Next month I am meditating on time. I remember from my course this summer that the combination of selflessness and timelessness will bring that transformative feeling of no agency. That place where I am watching life as though it has the energy of a darting fish. As I sit with this transformative energy, I have no idea what direction my life will take. And I more often than not like that feeling. It's the adventure of being still.
Each self feels like a different person almost. Each self doesn't last, though these selves return like breath. Each self is a reminder that there is not unified permanent self that I can hate, or take pride in.
I returned to a practice that I haven't done for a while, loving the self that keeps me on track. Taking time to thank that self that gets me out running, reminds me to do the things I don't always feel like doing, but that as a whole make me feel safe, well and strong for others.
Next month I am meditating on time. I remember from my course this summer that the combination of selflessness and timelessness will bring that transformative feeling of no agency. That place where I am watching life as though it has the energy of a darting fish. As I sit with this transformative energy, I have no idea what direction my life will take. And I more often than not like that feeling. It's the adventure of being still.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Transformation
This week when I hear that persistent question what do I want more than anything in the world the answer is automatic: love.
Maybe as a result of this answer I've been re-establishing connections with old, and important friends. By mistake I ended up at Maggie's place on Friday, thinking she had a party. Ended up going out for Indian dinner, and now I'm back in the loop. Invited to Taco Tuesdays, which I can't afford right now. But it's nice to know that I can go.
Then yesterday I went to my first Tergar mini-retreat since JOY3. It was lovely. I feel clearer, stronger, and Minjur re-affirmed something I've been feeling for a while. This energy that I'm feeling in my navel is an energy of transformation.
All of these communities, for me, are supports for love. People I can love. People who will love me. I can build stability around this love.
It's not that love is dependent on externals. It's that love is interdependent, the play between the internal and the external.
Maybe as a result of this answer I've been re-establishing connections with old, and important friends. By mistake I ended up at Maggie's place on Friday, thinking she had a party. Ended up going out for Indian dinner, and now I'm back in the loop. Invited to Taco Tuesdays, which I can't afford right now. But it's nice to know that I can go.
Then yesterday I went to my first Tergar mini-retreat since JOY3. It was lovely. I feel clearer, stronger, and Minjur re-affirmed something I've been feeling for a while. This energy that I'm feeling in my navel is an energy of transformation.
All of these communities, for me, are supports for love. People I can love. People who will love me. I can build stability around this love.
It's not that love is dependent on externals. It's that love is interdependent, the play between the internal and the external.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Interdependence of Thought
This week in my meditation practice I've been exploring interdependence of thought. I'm still not entirely sure sometimes what is meant by the term "interdependence." But this week I took it to mean the way my thoughts depend on different aspects of being, the way they depend on my body, on how strongly attached I am to concepts like the present, the past, the future, the self.
I paid special attention to strong, recurring, persistent thoughts, what these were dependent upon, and how I might be able to loosen them.
The first path that I started to explore is how dependent the quality and tone of my thought is on how embodied I am. If I'm having an anxious or negative though, it's almost guaranteed that my limbs are stiff, my hands tense, my neck out of alignment, my breath shallow. If my thoughts are wandering it is absolutely guaranteed that my eyes are not focused on anything. Formal meditation is a way of correcting this. Informal meditation is a way of re calibrating throughout the day. A way of stopping my thoughts from their habitual chaos.
My thoughts by the way are quite dependent on my environment, and that seems to be changing. I'm a better housekeeper this month, in large part because I'm practising some habits of commitment. Making sure my life is driven by decisions, not impulses. I've been keeping with my housekeeping rituals and everyday I'm feeling a different energy in this home. It's still messy, but deep down it's cleaner, more organized, less overwhelming. As a result of sticking to these commitments, I'm cultivating self-trust.
The two persistent thoughts I've been meditating, is this recurring mantra of "I hate myself" and "What do I want more than anything in the world." The super ego and the id. One way I've been dealing with the first is with tonglen, and a Pema Chodron trick I discovered. I breathe in that hatred, feel a space for it in my body and in my belly. Let it expand, let that blocked, stiff energy flow. I need to be patient. I was raised in an environment of chronic and constant hatred and hostility between my parents. These memories are deep in my body, in my nervous system. They aren't about to evaporate in one breath or six. But I can say at the end of this week that I do feel a little better. As though the space I'm creating in acknowledging and accepting this hatred, will one day be filled more easily with love.
Which brings me to the second thought. This week I sat silently with this question and waited patiently for an answer, instead of my usual tendency to want to rush in with a whole bunch of answers. Finally it came to me, so obvious, so inevitable. Love. I want love. There is an answer to this question, and that is it.
My body, my life, my son's life, so much dependent on that answer, that thought.
What kind of persistent thoughts could arise if I knew better how to love.
I paid special attention to strong, recurring, persistent thoughts, what these were dependent upon, and how I might be able to loosen them.
The first path that I started to explore is how dependent the quality and tone of my thought is on how embodied I am. If I'm having an anxious or negative though, it's almost guaranteed that my limbs are stiff, my hands tense, my neck out of alignment, my breath shallow. If my thoughts are wandering it is absolutely guaranteed that my eyes are not focused on anything. Formal meditation is a way of correcting this. Informal meditation is a way of re calibrating throughout the day. A way of stopping my thoughts from their habitual chaos.
My thoughts by the way are quite dependent on my environment, and that seems to be changing. I'm a better housekeeper this month, in large part because I'm practising some habits of commitment. Making sure my life is driven by decisions, not impulses. I've been keeping with my housekeeping rituals and everyday I'm feeling a different energy in this home. It's still messy, but deep down it's cleaner, more organized, less overwhelming. As a result of sticking to these commitments, I'm cultivating self-trust.
The two persistent thoughts I've been meditating, is this recurring mantra of "I hate myself" and "What do I want more than anything in the world." The super ego and the id. One way I've been dealing with the first is with tonglen, and a Pema Chodron trick I discovered. I breathe in that hatred, feel a space for it in my body and in my belly. Let it expand, let that blocked, stiff energy flow. I need to be patient. I was raised in an environment of chronic and constant hatred and hostility between my parents. These memories are deep in my body, in my nervous system. They aren't about to evaporate in one breath or six. But I can say at the end of this week that I do feel a little better. As though the space I'm creating in acknowledging and accepting this hatred, will one day be filled more easily with love.
Which brings me to the second thought. This week I sat silently with this question and waited patiently for an answer, instead of my usual tendency to want to rush in with a whole bunch of answers. Finally it came to me, so obvious, so inevitable. Love. I want love. There is an answer to this question, and that is it.
My body, my life, my son's life, so much dependent on that answer, that thought.
What kind of persistent thoughts could arise if I knew better how to love.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Interdependence of Body
This week I've been investigating the various ways that my happiness, productivity, sense of self and sense of time is dependent on my body.
The insight I come to again and again is how when my attention is brought down to my gut brain I immediately feel more present. In general being conscious of the body brings us immediately into the present moment. To be caught up in the tangled relationship between the present and future inevitably means a disconnect from the mind and the body. And a disconnect from the mind and the body sends us evermore spinning into the invented world.
As a result of this investigation I've been paying more attention to the seven points of meditation posture: The anchor, my hands, my spine, my shoulders, my neck, my mouth, and my eyes. Attention to all of these points grounds me and grounds my mind. Paying attention to the eyes has been an especially important investigation this week. I have developed the tendency of closing my eyes in meditation, which is pleasant, but it does allow me more room to get lost. I'f I'm really committed to the present, I need to keep my eyes open.
It all comes down to that, doesn't it? Commitment. Developing habits not because you feel like it, but because you've made a decision to become stronger, wiser, happier and you do what has to be done to re-direct your energy. The challenge lies in redirecting the energy incrementally so that you don't throw the whole system off balance.
That means working as much on accepting your body and mind as you do trying to change it.
The insight I come to again and again is how when my attention is brought down to my gut brain I immediately feel more present. In general being conscious of the body brings us immediately into the present moment. To be caught up in the tangled relationship between the present and future inevitably means a disconnect from the mind and the body. And a disconnect from the mind and the body sends us evermore spinning into the invented world.
As a result of this investigation I've been paying more attention to the seven points of meditation posture: The anchor, my hands, my spine, my shoulders, my neck, my mouth, and my eyes. Attention to all of these points grounds me and grounds my mind. Paying attention to the eyes has been an especially important investigation this week. I have developed the tendency of closing my eyes in meditation, which is pleasant, but it does allow me more room to get lost. I'f I'm really committed to the present, I need to keep my eyes open.
It all comes down to that, doesn't it? Commitment. Developing habits not because you feel like it, but because you've made a decision to become stronger, wiser, happier and you do what has to be done to re-direct your energy. The challenge lies in redirecting the energy incrementally so that you don't throw the whole system off balance.
That means working as much on accepting your body and mind as you do trying to change it.
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