Tantra: Completion Stage with Concept

This week I enter the final course of The Heart of Tantra Transmission

I'm going to try to maintain a commitment to journalling throughout the week. This has always been the way that I maintain inspiration in my practice.  This blog is how I record and remember my moments of inspiration.  And those moments have helped me to stay on the path. 

This week the challenge in the course is to bring the practice into different routines in the day.  The rituals we rarely miss, waking up and eating. 

I have set my waking alarm to Mingyr Rinpoche guding us through waking.  

I could do the same with the eating meditation. There's a beautiful chant that I could learn as well. 

I put it in my browser so that even if I eat at the computer, I can bring some mindfulness to the ritual. 

Confusion

This week I continue to explore the path of refuge.  As I try to create a refuge that is healthy and sustainable, I become conscious of the habitual refuges that are not healthy and sustainable.

There are the obvious one: television and food.  But one thing I don't consider is how emotional states are used as refuge. Anger, irritation, petty bickering are a refuge for me.  Anger brings a sort of clarity, however illusory.  But confusion is a refuge as well.

Feeling confused and helpless is a refuge from taking action because if I don't know what to do I can't act. And then I avoid all the risks that come with acting. That I might fail, that my actions lead to a worse situation. But inaction is a refuge.

To have clarity in my life, I have to act. And I have to act in consistent ways. Routines, meditation, cleaning, shopping, preparing and eating healthy foods.  These bring clarity. Writing brings clarity. If I really want clarity I need to surrender to these.

Does this mean, I never have uncertainty?  No I don't think so, but I can't make it a refuge. I can't make it a comfortable place that supports inaction.  I have to feel that uncertainty and chaos deeply and learn its lessons and then move on.

Self

Last week in my Joy of Living practice I meditated on my sense of self. I noticed how much it changed depending on what I was doing, how I was being.  How my sense of self felt strong and wise when I'm sitting with a belly full of chi. How I felt powerless and vulnerable after a fight with my son. How I felt competent  after completing a cleaning ritual.  How I felt protected by the routines I've established with Ben to get things back on track after an argument has signaled to us that something has unravelled.
  Each self feels like a different person almost.  Each self doesn't last, though these selves return like breath. Each self is a reminder that there is not unified permanent self that I can hate, or take pride in.
  I returned to a practice that I haven't done for a while, loving the self that keeps me on track. Taking time to thank that self that gets me out running, reminds me to do the things I don't always feel like doing, but that as a whole make me feel safe, well and strong for others.
  Next month I am meditating on time.  I remember from my course this summer that the combination of selflessness and timelessness will bring that transformative feeling of no agency.  That place where I am watching life as though it has the energy of a darting fish.  As I sit with this transformative energy, I have no idea what direction my life will take.  And I more often than not like that feeling. It's the adventure of being still.

My Greatest Accomplishment

The last few days I've been trying to build confidence by reviewing my small accomplishments throughout the day.
  One of the challenges of getting through mid life is that much of what I accomplish is routinized.  Because it's daily one has the illusion that nothing is being accomplished.  In fact it's the small actions taken consistently over time that are the accomplishments.  These are the things that are going to tide us through.  My morning routines. My flylady routines. Whether I do them or not, they are there, and that in itself is an accomplishment.  My habit of making bread, rice, beans, yogourt.  These keep my overhead low, keep me healthy, keep us eating wholesome food.
  I don't need new things all the time.  Because if I maintain these energy and vitality building routines, new things will happen.  Change is inevitable.  The expectation that life will be dull, and uneventful if we keep to routines is almost always a false one.  Things always happen.  New things will always be learnt.
  My challenge now is not to find new things, but to see the old things in a new way.
  For example, this morning I was standing, thinking oh yes, another standing routine, not much here.  But there was so much.  There was the energy that was building, there was a memory that snaked up that made me angry, and that I tamed easily, because my habit when I stand is to maintain not just physical, but emotional balance.
  Standing is one of my greatest accomplishments, as is writing, and my guess is that coding will be too.  Running, wholesome frugal cooking, maybe teaching.  All these things together are the little accomplishments that will lead to other accomplishments.  Maybe great ones.  Maybe small ones.  Who knows.  And for the moment, I'm not sure I really care.