White Noise

Struggling today with some overexcitement. I'm happy my agent likes the chapter I sent her, but I know I've still got some work to do now in another chapter.  I'm trying to stay on track with some bread and butter work that I'd like to do well so that I have a stable source of income that lets me take some time with the book, although I'd love in the end to have the kind of writing career where I can be supported by book writing.  Who wouldn't!

Regardless, I have a lot work and a lot of things happening right now.  And the word of the year is abundance. I want to write a successful proposal and have enough money to finish this book.  But I want to do a good job for McGill because whether this book is successful is not entirely in my control, and I have a responsibility to myself and to Ben to provide us with stable income. Communications work at an important university is stable.

So the challenge today is how to get my mind in the best place. First strategy is to use overexcitment as support for practice.  This is an effect of change, of success of good things, but I need to learn how to let it sink down and integrate into my gut. So in meditation today, which is more towards the short times, many times schedule, I'm doing a lot of recognizing how this overexcitement is stuck in my head and how to just let it sink.

I noticed in letting it sink, that one thing that brings it down, and starts me on the path of balance is listening. I don't listen well. I don't listen to my kindwise advocate (a presence I've hacked from Jeffrey Schwartz). I don't listen to the people around me.  I don't listen to my self.  I don't listen enough. But listening brings the energy where its spinning around in my eye area, to my inner ear and then sets it on the path down to my heart and my gut.

Another thing I'm trying today is white noise.  Abundance is the good side of chaos, and maybe a bit of sound chaos will help settle my brain. Today maybe I'm lurching through life.  But it's all in the service of this big full catastrophe of a world.

Last week I wrote about "something in me" that was scattering my mind to the wind.  I had all kinds of plans for getting my grip back.  Running was one.  And it worked to some extent.

But it also hit me yesterday as I was reading that over, that I'm not sure  "something in me" that is scattering my mind.  I live in a digital world, and it is the behavioural bias of that world to fracture the mind into a million little impulses.

I think this would be a good week for a digital diet.

I have the race coming up in a week.

I have the court case in less than a month.

I need the focus....