More self liberation

 Rinpoche: Self-liberation and liberation upon arising are not characteristics of thought: they are what happens when the nature of thought is recognized. So it’s not the case that you either recognize the self-liberation or don’t; self-liberation is the result of recognition. Normally, thoughts are anything but self-liberated. A thought arises, and it takes us over, and that produces another thought, and so on. On the basis of these thoughts, we generate further confused projections, on the basis of which we experience pleasure and pain. Now, when the nature of a thought is recognized, what happens to thought is very much like, as is traditionally said, what happens when a snake untangles or unties the knots it's tied itself into. The snake does it itself; no one has to come along and help the snake out. In the same way, when you look at the thought directly, for example, a thought of anger, and you see its nature, then the thought does not generate a further thought; the anger is not prolonged. As soon as the nature is seen, at that moment, the poisonous quality of the anger just disappears and dissolves; and that is self-liberation or liberation upon arising.

Thrangu Rinpoche

“Pointing Out The Dharmakaya: Teachings on the Ninth Karmapa's Text," p. 110

Self Liberation

In the essence of Mahamudra course that I'm talking YMR explains the three levels of transformation, the view (cognitive), meditation (emotional), and application (habitual). 

We first approach the idea of buddah nature with the intellect.  Then through meditation we bring develop an emotional relationship with it, sometimes enjoying it, sometimes not. Finally, through application in life, to our problems, we have the kind of direct realization that is self-generating. We become one with Mahamudra. 

That is transformation.

When eating, cleaning, living, sleeping become Mahamudra, that is retirement from Samsara. 

Post retreat

Slept well last night. First deep sleep in a while. Listening to YMR every night is a 2 minute habit I want to develop. 

I feel re-committed to the foundational practices. In particular I've found a new curiosity and interest about the third thought, the consequences of karma. 

I feel so clearly the positive results of extended mediation. Less action, less thought feels better. I feel like I have a wisdom body to rest in. 

But there are still emotional challenges. I'm going through a very stressful family situation. 

I feel the stress as empty lucidity vibrating through my body. I want to remember to add compassion to it.

Otherwise it's just old stale karmic imprints 

Song of realization Day 3

Transformational meditation last night. 

I sat with my self hatred and saw, as if for the first time, how solid it felt.  But also how clear. If I can dissolve the illusion of solidity then my self hatred is the gateway to Mahamudra (the union of emptiness and clarity).  

I dissolve it by resting in the knowing. 

I'm going to ask a question today. 

"I grew up with a lot of emotional violence. Last night while practicing, the habit energy of self hatred felt very solid in me, but also very clear and lucid. I felt that if I could dissolve this energy, my chronic self hatred could be my friend, bringing me closer to Mahamudra.  Like anxiety did for you.  This solution seems so simple, but I'm aware that I live with complex trauma.  Is there anything I should be careful of?" 

Teaching:

Emptiness is the fact of no self.  Clarity is the recognition of this fact. 

So look for self that I hate, or that hates me.  I won't find either. Recognizing this non-existence of self is clarity. 

Rest in this and the mind becomes a safe place. 

Mingyur Rinpoche answered my question! Thumbs up. Lots of nodding.  Says I'm on the right track on the path to transfromation. . If I get overwhelmed do some physical exercise.  Will wait for recording and get exact quote. 

Interesting to go back to my insights from the "Difficult Emotions" retreat of two years ago

Practice:

Cortland Dhal leading us through a practice in which we see the nature of mind as a huge container that can never be improved on or corrupted by our experience, dharma, thoughts.

Q&A

Cortland makes an interesting distinction between the experience of clarity as a meditative state, which is impermanent, and clarity of recognition of the NOM. 

This is my takeaway for the day. 

Pure Perception retreaat

Day 1 7:49 a.m. 

Morning

I start this retreat feeling distracted and unsettled.

A week of attending the Canadian Tennis Open, rooting for the local hopeful Felix Auger Alliassime.  He's into the quarter finals. But I have committed to this retreat.  If I'm watching tennis scores all weekend, I will not create the causes and conditions I want to put in place for a real transformation.

Good.  This gives a lot of craving and impulsiveness to meditate on.  I am not going to watch those matches.  He doesn't need me.  I need me and Ben needs me and the infinite number of sentient beings need me.  And maybe FAA needs me praying for him. But time to let him go. 

Morning teaching

We re-visit breathing exercises, but add visualization. Reminds me of chi kung practice.  This is how I am going to bring it back in. 

In right nostril we breath out all the old past trauma and anxiety.  In left nostril all anxiety about future.  Through both the present stagnant energy. 

With vase breathing we are bringing in the five elements.  As we breath out the abdomen naturally constrict like the ocean crashing against the mountain (spine).  

And then the shaking ha to get everything going. 

We do an exercise that informs what we are trying to accomplish here.  Imagine the perfect strawberry. Hold it in your hand, smell it, imagine eating it.

We produce saliva just through that image.

Through Tara practice we produce the feeling of enlightenment and transform through that. 

Afternoon

Struggling with my attatchment to the outcome of that game.  But wondering, what if I could put the intense energy of this devotion to tennis to my guru practice? What impact would that have on my life? 

Evening 

It's all about stability.  Learning from Felix (I gave in and looked at the score) He suffered worst defeat of his career on home turf.  The embodied confidence of stability really does mean something. You can't maintain success if you don't have embodied confidence.

Day 2

Feeling great this morning. Went out for a run.  Had a very meaningful nectar of the path practice.  Starting to feel many strands weaving together with this practice. Going back to the first image of Indra Devi when I was a teenager. 

Afternoon:

Tranformative practice with Khenpo Kunga.  Tara as emptiness, all being a Tara, dissolving into a light before all beings do likewise, dissolving into me, and I dissolve into them. 

Indescribably liberating 

Evening:

Another amazing practice. 

Tennis.  Happy for Carrena Busta!  But I slept too late. Consequences of unhealthy self. 

Day 3

Morning:

Practice steps. 

1. Open awareness
2. Imagine White Tara as manifestation of emptiness, wisdom, compassion
3. Dedication and sing mantra
4. Imagine White Tara as healing light touching you and everyone
5. Recite mantra
6. Become white Tara
7. Dedication
8. Dissolve White Tara
9. Dissolve self
10. Rest

Teaching 

It's not enough to simply recite and go through the motions. To transform you need to be with phenomena, see the pieces, and eventually see the emptiness. 

You can have 100 deities and not tranform. Or one deity and know the essence. 

Tara practice allows us to see the emptiness of this unhealthy fearful self we've created. To create a stronger, more compassionate and impactful sense of self through devotion to a constructed deity.

I take refuge in Tara and feel the saliva. 

Insight:

Om Taré Tutaré Ture So Ha

The tongue hits the palate and natural morphine makes its way down the channel.

Fear dissolves. Pure perception settles in. 

Transformation

I've figured some things out.

We change from state to state, from arousal to calm, from pleasant to unpleasant, from one combination of those states to another. The more we conceptualize these states with whatever cultural programming we've been given, the more varied and busy the change is.

It's a lot of work.

Mediation brings us back to the elemental states. The elemental change.  In time meditation becomes no more than the brain keeping everything in balance with the least amount of energy possible.

At that point, as we begin to liberate ourselves from all the programming and all the energy that following that programming takes, we move from change to transformation. 

True deep rest happens, and true deep repair takes root and makes absolute being possible.

Transformation

This week when I hear that persistent question what do I want more than anything in the world the answer is automatic: love.
  Maybe as a result of this answer I've been re-establishing connections with old, and important friends. By mistake I ended up at Maggie's place on Friday, thinking she had a party.  Ended up going out for Indian dinner, and now I'm back in the loop. Invited to Taco Tuesdays, which I can't afford right now.  But it's nice to know that I can go.
  Then yesterday I went to my first Tergar mini-retreat since JOY3.  It was lovely.  I feel clearer, stronger, and Minjur re-affirmed something I've been feeling for a while. This energy that I'm feeling in my navel is an energy of transformation.
  All of these communities, for me, are supports for love.  People I can love.  People who will love me.  I can build stability around this love.
 It's not that love is dependent on externals.  It's that love is interdependent, the play between the internal and the external.