Day 4 of this cleanse.
I started this cleanse in large part because I was becoming more conscious of my kidneys. I'm starting deep breathing into the part of the diaphragm that extends through my lower back.
I'm sure I've read many times that kidneys are as important as the heart in chinese medicine. But I've never really used my kidneys in a way that has made me conscious of their importance. For the Chinese they are the source of vitality and the main filtration system not just for physical waste, but for fear. I read this a few days ago in Bruce Frantzis's book, but I didn't really feel it until today.
Terrifying dream last night. I was on a bus with a group of terrorist/assassins. Fortunately I was sitting with a woman with a gun, also some kind of assassin. She was able to shoot some of them, but we had to make a run for it. We ended up in some kind of building, maybe a school, maybe a YMCA, and we found ourselves hiding in a sort of long shower with sliding doors. By this time my assassin companion was limp and naked. Now I had to take over and take care of her. But it was hopeless. I was trying to take care of this woman, but there was no way I would be able to save myself if I didn't leave her behind. This was heartbreaking because she had saved my life.
I woke up feeling all the fear that could be felt in my kidneys. I tried meditation, but could barely sit for twenty minutes.
It's still there as I write. At the same time it's exciting, because I've never been so conscious of this raw fear and where it lives in my body. It's so clear why I would want to do everything I could to numb this feeling. It's a particularly resonant feeling for me because I suffered from two kidney infections as a child, and I remembering how terrifying that feeling was. That lying in bed in agony.
I'm not in agony, now on day 4. Rather, I'm in a place of awareness. Starting to understand how all the puzzle pieces fit together.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Friday, February 17, 2017
The Secret of Saliva
I'm on day two of dietary cleanse.
Started the day feeling the usual symptoms of de-tox, headaches, fatigue, muscle pain. And did the usual things to soften them, bath, water, standing.
Then I read something mind blowing. I'm reading a book called Gut: The Inside Story of Our Most Underrated Organ. One of those Amazon Kindle 1.99 things, that makes me think back to that remaindered book on Zhan Zhuang I found almost twenty years ago. It may be one of those books that changes things.
In 2006, it says, scientists discovered a natural pain killer in human saliva, opiophine, six times as strong as morphine. In studies so far it acts as both a pain killer and an anti-depressant. And if that weren't cool enough, it's non-addictive!
This makes so much sense in both my sitting and standing practices, especially in recent months when I've been experiencing what Shenzen Young calls "the taste of purification." I've also known and sensed that the mouth and tongue have powerful nerve endings. The idea that our suffering can be relieved simply by becoming more in tune with our saliva is really exciting.
At any rate, in the last few hours that I've known this my de-tox symptoms have almost evaporated.
Fascinating!
Started the day feeling the usual symptoms of de-tox, headaches, fatigue, muscle pain. And did the usual things to soften them, bath, water, standing.
Then I read something mind blowing. I'm reading a book called Gut: The Inside Story of Our Most Underrated Organ. One of those Amazon Kindle 1.99 things, that makes me think back to that remaindered book on Zhan Zhuang I found almost twenty years ago. It may be one of those books that changes things.
In 2006, it says, scientists discovered a natural pain killer in human saliva, opiophine, six times as strong as morphine. In studies so far it acts as both a pain killer and an anti-depressant. And if that weren't cool enough, it's non-addictive!
This makes so much sense in both my sitting and standing practices, especially in recent months when I've been experiencing what Shenzen Young calls "the taste of purification." I've also known and sensed that the mouth and tongue have powerful nerve endings. The idea that our suffering can be relieved simply by becoming more in tune with our saliva is really exciting.
At any rate, in the last few hours that I've known this my de-tox symptoms have almost evaporated.
Fascinating!
Monday, February 13, 2017
Learning to expire
This week I've been learning something new to me, fundamental to Zhan Zhuang.
"They don't put much emphasis on breathing," my first anglo intructor Ron told me about the Tai Chi drop in school in chinatown, where I learned the basics of my practice.
And true, the philosophy of that school was that breathing would be something learned intuitively through the balanced movements.
There's something to be said for the simplicity of that bottom up approach. But it's possible that they simply didn't realize how much time we Westerners really need to spend to reform our breathing. If I had to do it all again I would have spent less time in the last ten years trying to achieve lofty standing goals like six months at dawn, and more time simply learning how to exhale.
I am convinced now that this is our worst and most destructive physical and spiritual habit, our bias towards the inhalation, and our unacknowledged anxiety that prevents us from truly exhaling all the carbon dioxide that allows for deeper oxygen intake that has more impact on our organs and overall vitality.
For the next few months I'm going to practice the whole body breathing that develops slow, long exhalations.
I have a theory. In the same way that better exhalation leads to better inhalation, expiration leads to inspiration. While we use the word inspiration to describe new and vital ideas, the word literally means in-breath. So perhaps if one wants to live a more inspired life, one needs first to allow all the old ideas and low energy to expire.
"They don't put much emphasis on breathing," my first anglo intructor Ron told me about the Tai Chi drop in school in chinatown, where I learned the basics of my practice.
And true, the philosophy of that school was that breathing would be something learned intuitively through the balanced movements.
There's something to be said for the simplicity of that bottom up approach. But it's possible that they simply didn't realize how much time we Westerners really need to spend to reform our breathing. If I had to do it all again I would have spent less time in the last ten years trying to achieve lofty standing goals like six months at dawn, and more time simply learning how to exhale.
I am convinced now that this is our worst and most destructive physical and spiritual habit, our bias towards the inhalation, and our unacknowledged anxiety that prevents us from truly exhaling all the carbon dioxide that allows for deeper oxygen intake that has more impact on our organs and overall vitality.
For the next few months I'm going to practice the whole body breathing that develops slow, long exhalations.
I have a theory. In the same way that better exhalation leads to better inhalation, expiration leads to inspiration. While we use the word inspiration to describe new and vital ideas, the word literally means in-breath. So perhaps if one wants to live a more inspired life, one needs first to allow all the old ideas and low energy to expire.
Friday, February 10, 2017
Breath
In the ten years since I started this blog I have never written about the importance of breathing. I don't even have a category for it.
I'm thinking about it now because I've started exercises in longevity breathing. I've decided that I'm going to follow Bruce Frantzis's energy arts program step by step. There may be something to his theory that westerners need a different program than asians. There are basic building blocks that we don't have, which Asians take for granted. One of them is attention to the gut and the importance of breathing, our intestines and in general the belly and lower part of the body. Our culture takes this ability for granted, rarely considering how and why we lose our capacity as we age. We place a lot of emphasis on aerobic exercise to improve oxygen assimilation. But we can do more by simply training in expanding the diaphragm in a way that is natural and progressive.
I'm training this month in deep, expansive breathing and already I can feel the difference in my chi. My plan for the next few months, even half a year, is to stabilize this energy. Six months of simply breathing and opening the are of my gut.
When I started, I believed that the goal I needed to change was six months of standing outside at dawn. Maybe the goal needs to be simpler and smaller. Six months of resting in my gut awareness.
Like Dan Harris says, if that makes me only 10% happier than I am, that's a pretty good return.
I'm thinking about it now because I've started exercises in longevity breathing. I've decided that I'm going to follow Bruce Frantzis's energy arts program step by step. There may be something to his theory that westerners need a different program than asians. There are basic building blocks that we don't have, which Asians take for granted. One of them is attention to the gut and the importance of breathing, our intestines and in general the belly and lower part of the body. Our culture takes this ability for granted, rarely considering how and why we lose our capacity as we age. We place a lot of emphasis on aerobic exercise to improve oxygen assimilation. But we can do more by simply training in expanding the diaphragm in a way that is natural and progressive.
I'm training this month in deep, expansive breathing and already I can feel the difference in my chi. My plan for the next few months, even half a year, is to stabilize this energy. Six months of simply breathing and opening the are of my gut.
When I started, I believed that the goal I needed to change was six months of standing outside at dawn. Maybe the goal needs to be simpler and smaller. Six months of resting in my gut awareness.
Like Dan Harris says, if that makes me only 10% happier than I am, that's a pretty good return.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Year 10
In December of this year it will be a decade since I started this blog.
It certainly feels like a decade. And yet, here I am, starting another round. I started writing this with an inkling that zhan zhuang might be the purpose of my life. Then I promptly abandoned my three year practice, re-starting from a very humble place a year later. It did bring me back to beginners mind and then a strong six months of solid practice. I changed. And then I let go again, struggling with something of a midlife crisis. The ZZ was spotty, but I did keep up the writing. Transitioned into sitting practice for a while, developing the more spiritual elements of meditation practice. Did some running, which has kept the chi building in me, even while I stopped my formal standing practice for too long.
Last week I sat down, did my best to look into the future, and what I saw there was the fruits of this blog, and my standing practice. This is where I need to be. And where I need to stay for the next ten years. No more breaks. This is what I do.
It certainly feels like a decade. And yet, here I am, starting another round. I started writing this with an inkling that zhan zhuang might be the purpose of my life. Then I promptly abandoned my three year practice, re-starting from a very humble place a year later. It did bring me back to beginners mind and then a strong six months of solid practice. I changed. And then I let go again, struggling with something of a midlife crisis. The ZZ was spotty, but I did keep up the writing. Transitioned into sitting practice for a while, developing the more spiritual elements of meditation practice. Did some running, which has kept the chi building in me, even while I stopped my formal standing practice for too long.
Last week I sat down, did my best to look into the future, and what I saw there was the fruits of this blog, and my standing practice. This is where I need to be. And where I need to stay for the next ten years. No more breaks. This is what I do.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Awareness, word of the year
This week I've looped back to my root practice, open awareness.
It is a practice much improved because my environment is more open, less cluttered and distracting. I'm able now to experience my mind as a clear and open space. Within this space the emotional intensity and chaos I grew up in is more visible, as is the pull of ordinary messy awareness. In a cleaner environment I can work to loosen the knots of that.
I sit. I listen to the sounds around me, the traffic, the occasional siren, the night before last, a violent fight between my upstairs neighbours. In that case disturbing memories surfaced, but they don't stick because I'm in a different place. My space is safe from violence and aggression, and I have created a place for my child that is free of that, directly at least. There may always be that in the world around him and in the world he's immersed himself in for now, the play violence of his video games. But I haven't inflicted it on him and for that I can feel some relief.
This is the focus of the week, relief. The reward of the habits that have spared me from a bad marriage, abject poverty, squalor, ignorance. That have made it possible for me to produce nurturing things, this journal, educational materials and opportunities for others, and a book that I hope will bring enjoyment, inspiration and knowledge to others.
This relief from intensity, from the feeling of being stuck, from the cumulative dullness of bad habits. This is the reward that moment by moment will change my life.
Looking over past posts on open awareness, I am reminded of a ritual I started a couple of years ago, picking a word for the year, the first time I did this it was abundance, the next year emptiness. This year I've decided to pick awareness. I dedicate this year to keeping this thread of awareness strong and present through all my habits, intentions, and achievements.
It is a practice much improved because my environment is more open, less cluttered and distracting. I'm able now to experience my mind as a clear and open space. Within this space the emotional intensity and chaos I grew up in is more visible, as is the pull of ordinary messy awareness. In a cleaner environment I can work to loosen the knots of that.
I sit. I listen to the sounds around me, the traffic, the occasional siren, the night before last, a violent fight between my upstairs neighbours. In that case disturbing memories surfaced, but they don't stick because I'm in a different place. My space is safe from violence and aggression, and I have created a place for my child that is free of that, directly at least. There may always be that in the world around him and in the world he's immersed himself in for now, the play violence of his video games. But I haven't inflicted it on him and for that I can feel some relief.
This is the focus of the week, relief. The reward of the habits that have spared me from a bad marriage, abject poverty, squalor, ignorance. That have made it possible for me to produce nurturing things, this journal, educational materials and opportunities for others, and a book that I hope will bring enjoyment, inspiration and knowledge to others.
This relief from intensity, from the feeling of being stuck, from the cumulative dullness of bad habits. This is the reward that moment by moment will change my life.
Looking over past posts on open awareness, I am reminded of a ritual I started a couple of years ago, picking a word for the year, the first time I did this it was abundance, the next year emptiness. This year I've decided to pick awareness. I dedicate this year to keeping this thread of awareness strong and present through all my habits, intentions, and achievements.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Safety
I don't feel safe.
This is what my backbone told me last night. My apartment is radically cleaner than it's been for a long time, but the downside of this is that now I can more clearly see all the things I've been avoiding. Those things that I've been neglecting beneath the outer chaos. The deepest of them all is the fundamental feeling of safety.
I'm not sure I even know what if feels like to feel truly and deeply safe. Or if I even can, or should believe that safety is possible. But how can I possibly build a life for myself, or help Ben build a life for himself if I don't even believe in the priority of safety?
There are actions I can take to build this safety, but if I don't spend some time building the feeling I aspire to it's unlikely that I'm going to make those actions routine.
So for this month, this is the emotional and spiritual goal: to know what it is, what it really is, to feel safe.
This is what my backbone told me last night. My apartment is radically cleaner than it's been for a long time, but the downside of this is that now I can more clearly see all the things I've been avoiding. Those things that I've been neglecting beneath the outer chaos. The deepest of them all is the fundamental feeling of safety.
I'm not sure I even know what if feels like to feel truly and deeply safe. Or if I even can, or should believe that safety is possible. But how can I possibly build a life for myself, or help Ben build a life for himself if I don't even believe in the priority of safety?
There are actions I can take to build this safety, but if I don't spend some time building the feeling I aspire to it's unlikely that I'm going to make those actions routine.
So for this month, this is the emotional and spiritual goal: to know what it is, what it really is, to feel safe.
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