Awareness, word of the year

This week I've looped back to my root practice, open awareness.

It is a practice much improved because my environment is more open, less cluttered and distracting. I'm able now to experience my mind as a clear and open space. Within this space the emotional intensity and chaos I grew up in is more visible, as is the pull of ordinary messy awareness. In a cleaner environment I can work to loosen the knots of that.

I sit. I listen to the sounds around me, the traffic, the occasional siren, the night before last, a violent fight between my upstairs neighbours. In that case disturbing memories surfaced, but they don't stick because I'm in a different place. My space is safe from violence and aggression, and I have created a place for  my child that is free of that, directly at least.  There may always be that in the world around him and in the world he's immersed himself in for now, the play violence of his video games. But I haven't inflicted it on him and for that I can feel some relief.

This is the focus of the week, relief. The reward of the habits that have spared me from a bad marriage, abject poverty, squalor, ignorance. That have made it possible for me to produce nurturing things, this journal, educational materials and opportunities for others, and a book that I hope will bring enjoyment, inspiration and knowledge to others.

This relief from intensity, from the feeling of being stuck, from the cumulative dullness of bad habits. This is the reward that moment by moment will change my life.

Looking over past posts on open awareness, I am reminded of a ritual I started a couple of years ago, picking a word for the year, the first time I did this it was abundance, the next year emptiness. This year I've decided to pick awareness. I dedicate this year to keeping this thread of awareness strong and present through all my habits, intentions, and achievements.

Letting go

I'm letting go of old patterns. Stale, destructive habits that don't serve me anymore. Overeating, unhealthy eating, procrastination, over consumption of information and entertainment, squalor. Above all the belief that I don't have the energy and strength to let these go.

The first step to letting go is being aware of them in the first place. And being aware of what purpose they serve. Those habit shield me from vulnerability and fear. I don't want to feel how unbalanced and unsafe I feel. I don't want to feel that tender place in the arch of my back that is throwing my whole posture slightly out of line.

But that's where the safety is.That deep, magnetic energy that I get when I sit and when I stand. It's down in that place that I don't want to go.The root chakra, it's been called.

Letting go of old habits is a twofold process. It's the letting go of the fear, but it's also building the new habit of feeling safe and accepted. Of feeling how stable and balanced I feel when my spine is rooted in relaxed, grounding energy. When I can not just see, but feel the indigo of awareness and the red of the sun rising from the earth.

I have so many good, strong and positive habits in my life. It is time now to let go and surrender to them. And know that I am safe.

Winter Willow

There's a light snowstorm this morning. I went out to the park to sit beneath my willow tree. It's winter so of course the leaves are gone. But the drooping branches, so many, protect me from the wind and snow. I feel the power in stillness. I feel a deeply rooted cool as I stare out over the snow covered pond. I will nurture this feeling everyday and it will keep me safe from the change and the challenges and the anger of the people who surround me. It will help me to ease their anger and bring peace and power into their lives.
We focus so much on the brain and not nearly enough on the trunk. As though the source of the tree's strength is its leaves and its tiny branches. But the core of the tree's strength is nothing we can see. That's where its magnificence lies, not in its branches, but in its roots.