The power of yuck

Read an article today in New York Times on "superagers" , people who remain sharp and vital well into their 80s.  Given the history of longevity in my family, I should probably start readying myself for this.

The secret is apparently a willingness to push oneself both physically and mentally.  Strolls and suduko are not enough. One has to be willing to hit the "yuck" point with regularity.  I'm guaranteed a fair amount of yuck with the goal I have set for myself this year, finishing the manuscript of my book, with or without a publisher's advance.

I do not want to do the work that this is going to involve. Nor do I want to run a faster half marathon. Or clean out all the paper clutter in my home. But I care about that 90 year old woman in my future and she cares about me. She has memoirs to write and a rich creative life to enjoy. So I'm willing to hit that threshold for her.

She's worth it.

Ideal Day

This is an exercise in living.  My Ideal Day:

I wake up profoundly well rested from a deep, dreamless healing sleep.  I rise, in a feeling of grounded peace and equanimity. I meditate for an hour in a state of pure lucidity the energy rising in my from my core, like the sun.  I miss Ben, but when I wake up there's a sweet e-mail with a picture from the wonderful life that he's having.  I don't know what it is yet, but I know I can trust him. I am driven on this day, like most days with a sustainable feeling of faith and gratitude. I dedicate my meditation to every being. May all our suffering be transformed into peace. My all our hearts be open. May all of our wisdom shine from within.

I walk into a clean kitchen: dishes put a way, tables and counter tops wiped down, grime gone, floor swept and mopped. I feel like a very different person and my environment is the first and foremost clue to how much I' changed.

I weigh myself, and the number is data on a healthy life with well chosen indulgences and plenty of exercise.

Breakfast is healthy and delicious, green apple and cheese on baguette, or stone cut oatmeal, berries, cream and sugar. My gut feels really strong and full of a diverse pack of bacteria.

I love my home, bright, quiet,  well located.  Near the mountain so I can run.  After reading the newspaper, I write for an hour. The ideas, feelings, images, insights flow easily from a clear vision. Why not, they are coming from that place that is me and also everyone. I am remembering my life with some pain, but also joy. I breathe in all the despair and loneliness and alienation that I felt for so many years, and breathe out candour and humour and hope and power. A power that lifts up everyone who reads my words.

I look around my home, so clean and comfortable and fun.  Having the money for a cleaning lady, helps, but I'm also effortlessly tidy and I still stick to the basic routines that got me there.  I have cultivated the cleaning habit and it's not going anywhere, ever.

Phone rings. It's a fascinating new friend. We're having dinner with our other fascinating friends later on.  Cool friends, not narcissists. Real laughter and warmth and reciprocity.  I can't believe I have the money to buy them dinner, but I do.  Yesterday I got another great residual cheque.  My debts are gone  I have a stable writing career. Martha is happy and so is my NY publisher.

I've finished that book tour, which went so well. It's such a wonderful feeling to look out into a crowd of people who feel enriched by my writing.  And I'm researching for my upcoming trip to Africa.

I have lunch and read for a while, as I've always done. Do a little editing on some of the work I've done recently.

Around 3 p.m. I head out for a run. I feel great. I'm at a healthy weight.  I'm running effortlessly and strong. Still doing a little parkour. Ben still thinks I'm hilarious. Only the occasional aches and pains. I return home, settle into a bath, get into my comfy dressing gown. Watch a bit of T.V.  Thank God the Trump administration is over! What a relief that people finally shifted the balance of sanity back.  Probably won't have quite the same restful sleep tonight after a rich meal.  But I'll adapt and find my way back the next day, or the day after that.

Door rings. It's my boyfriend.  I'm getting dressed and offer him a drink, but he wants to fool around first, and so do I. I'll get back to this later...

Spiritual Capital

I've always felt a connection to some kind of spiritual power. Ever since I was young and throughout some pretty empty times I've felt more connected to this power than I often do to people. Or at least groups of people.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm probably not much of a party person.  I like the food, and I like the laughter, but still I don't usually feel nurtured by these encounters. And I don't usually feel that I'm doing much for others by keeping the conversation going, pleasant as it might be.

What if I were to put my energy this year into what I care about most, what's out there? What I can feel out in the universe. What would I lose, really?

Hugs

I'm back to standing.

I've been reading Christopher McDougal's book Natural Born Heroes, and I've re-discovered my fascia, the weblike elastic casing that is stronger than any muscle. I suppose I've wandered off the path for a few years with running and sitting, but it's time to come back to this root practice.

Sitting has helped me to build the emotional component of my standing practice. This morning while I was holding the ball, I felt a connection to what we feel when we hug someone we love, and what we feel when we are hugged.

This loving kindness is woven throughout the fascia which is all memory, all awareness. Like the membrane of the fetal sack, it's the thin border between our soul and the world.

Faith

Faith is power.

Without it there is no freedom, just constant grasping for the ground, a feeling of never finding a balance in life. Faith is knowing that there's a centre to be found even in the tiniest of footholds.

I have been so fortunate to have found these footholds along a very emotionally unstable life. From the first yoga book my mother abandoned in which I discovered for the first time the practice of sitting still. Through my four minute tai chi routine from a woman's magazine. Gradually I have become aware of this solid, abiding awareness. This self.

I have many unhappy memories, but through that always this place of true refuge. This freedom. During the worst of times, and when I needed it the most, the best of times. Today in morning meditation I began to see it, the continuity. When I looked at my life, for a moment I didn't see the long history of disappointments and heartbreak. I saw the long history of this lovely, strong, loving self that I've always been able to depend on.

It's still a challenge, but the challenge is what keeps me strong. The challenge is not whether I can keep this up all my life. That I know with more certainty every year. It's whether I can keep it up today.

Can I know myself today.

Thanksgiving

Canadian Thanksgiving.

Much to be grateful for this year.  More money, more work. A stronger connection to my basic goodness, intelligence and warmth.

I have a healthy, fit body. I have an expertise that's valuable. Gratitude is the emotion that enriches and accelerates whatever good habit I've been able to cultivate. It's important to give thanks for all that has been given to us.  But also for the goodness that we have cultivated through our own efforts, decisions and commitments.

Gratitude makes us feel safe. It signals to the body and the brain that we have enough and that we are enough.

More than enough .

Letting go

I'm letting go of old patterns. Stale, destructive habits that don't serve me anymore. Overeating, unhealthy eating, procrastination, over consumption of information and entertainment, squalor. Above all the belief that I don't have the energy and strength to let these go.

The first step to letting go is being aware of them in the first place. And being aware of what purpose they serve. Those habit shield me from vulnerability and fear. I don't want to feel how unbalanced and unsafe I feel. I don't want to feel that tender place in the arch of my back that is throwing my whole posture slightly out of line.

But that's where the safety is.That deep, magnetic energy that I get when I sit and when I stand. It's down in that place that I don't want to go.The root chakra, it's been called.

Letting go of old habits is a twofold process. It's the letting go of the fear, but it's also building the new habit of feeling safe and accepted. Of feeling how stable and balanced I feel when my spine is rooted in relaxed, grounding energy. When I can not just see, but feel the indigo of awareness and the red of the sun rising from the earth.

I have so many good, strong and positive habits in my life. It is time now to let go and surrender to them. And know that I am safe.