When did I lose faith?

When did I lose faith in standing?  I must have, since a barely do it anymore.

Now there are other practices: running, morning writing, body scanning.  All important practices.  But once I was deeply committed to standing.  It was the only thing that I knew guaranteed me spectacular things.  It worked, and I stopped.

I'm going to try and approach this without judgement.  Just a quiet and gentle analysis.

I remember stopping in Banff because no one wanted me to go into the woods in the morning because of the Elk.  I never quite got the practice back, in large part because in Banff I started to become aware of what bad cardiovascular shape I was in.  So I started running.

Then I started becoming afraid of trees because birds were attacking me in the spring.  Then I realized I was going to lose this apartment, and it became painful to stay attached to that place.

I feel the judgement creeping up.  "You can't stay committed to anything."

Priming isn't working. I've had this as my homepage.  It hasn't encouraged me to stand.

Maybe it's time to officially give up?

Sleep

It's well after midnight and I've been struggling with insomnia, obsessions, some positive, some negative.

It's occurred to me now that I haven't done a corpse pose for a while.

Before standing there was lying, and just stillness.

I think I could use a little death right now.

Faith

According to Thich Nhat Han, faith is the first and foremost energy you have to cultivate if you're going to have real power in your life.

When I feel powerless over my life, I know that what is gone is faith.  Faith in myself, faith in my society, faith in the path that I've chosen for myself.

I've lost a lot of faith in myself this year.  Or rather faith in writing to sustain me.  Writing was always my path, and for a long time that path seemed to be leading me to the life I imagined.  I saw it as a sacred skill that I had cultivated and that would keep my safe.

Then I discovered standing.  I learned that there was an energy beneath writing that needed to be tapped if I was going to write well.

But something in me has stopped caring about writing.  Something in me has stopped believing, and without that, sometimes it's hard to keep up my passion for the standing.

At the same time, if I'm going to make the changes in my life that I have to make, I'm going to have to get used to some excitement.

I'm in exciting times right now, with the Maker Faire, and all I'm learning and mastering in technology.

It's good to temper that.  But I also need to learn how to tap it.

I don't want to undermine the path I'm on just because I'm afraid of some excitement.

Power

It's been a tough weekend.  On Friday the newspaper I worked for for eighteen years folded suddenly without warning.

I hadn't been writing for them for six months.  But it's still a blow.

And the credit card bills are getting out of hand.

Power.  I breathe deep to deal with the anxiety of these problems.  And I am grateful that I can breathe deep.

But still I feel powerless. 

I'm not.  I have a lot of power.  I have the power to breathe deeply through every emotion.  I have the power to run 4K without feeling exhausted.  I have the power to throw dough and yeast together and have a meal. 

I have six months of coding lessons under my belt.  In a couple of weeks I'll have a certificate from Stanford.

I have the blood glucose from a good sleep.

I have enough accomplishments to get an agent to look at a proposal.

I have three months rent coming up.

But yes, as I write this, I can see how much the economic stress is taking a toll on my concentration. 

Cognitive Overload

I learned a life changing concept in my design course last week.

The human brain is not very good with working memory.  Or, for whatever reason, it has lost this skill.  So it is important for designs to minimize the cognitive demands on the user. In web design you make problems easier by making the learning environment support the learning of the problem.

In meditation this is what we are doing.  Minimizing the cognitive demands for a certain period, so that insight is more possible.

I tried this in running yesterday, and it was miraculous. Because my mind was only focussed on the task of keeping to the correct technique, my run was easier.   My body immediately solved whatever misalignment, or tension in my body that was sapping my energy.

Something happened over the last year that has  burdened my mind with obsessions and anxieties.  It's been hard to meditate.  But I'm wondering if the challenge of meditation has been that I've never quite understood the need for meditation.  I understand the benefits, but I've never really understood the essential problem it resolves.

But mindfulness is exactly that, creating an efficent uncluttered interface for the working memory to be well supported.

Focus

Hard to stand this morning.  Maybe it's because I'm in the second week of this design course. My vision of my future is all over the place.  Makes rooting difficult.

One minute it's book.  Next minute it's software.   Standing's not even in there.

But maybe this is a natural stage in the process of designing my future. I'm coming up with alternatives, a bunch of prototypes.  I'm comparing them all and in time I'll settle on the one I think is right.

I don't want standing to make me rigid.   I want it to be the source of my vitality.

Above all I don't want it to be a source of shame.

Maybe I'm too attached to one vision of my future. Maybe this is a time to open up my mind to several alternatives 

Maybe I need someone to help me evaluate?

Or maybe I just need to put the timer on and stand and stop being at the mercy of all this confusion.

I'm a programmer.  I don't make my decisions based on my feelings.  I make them based on my needs.

What do I need right now?

Mindful energy, power, diligence.

Back To Standing

I'm back. 

The desire to stand has returned, now that my financial stress is somewhat buffered by the deal with my landlady.  I'm still anxious about my financial future, but I can pay my rent.  Or rather, won't have to pay my rent this summer, and next.

More and more when I hear that nagging question "what do I want more than anything in the world" the answer I am giving is "well-being".  I want wellbeing for myself, for Ben, for my family, and for everyone.   I want to be well and I want to live in a world where people can be well.   I can't force them to be well, but I can help them to be well.   And I can only do that if I am well myself.

Last week I started a course on Human Computer Interaction.  Our first assignment is called needfinding.    It's a wonderful assignment because not only does it direct my attention to other people's needs, I realize that in identifying the needs of others we are often alerting ourselves to our own needs. 

This is what I want to do from now on:

Build software that will prompt me to change my habits to create well being.

Build software that will prompt me to stand.