Power

This week has been big week in my spiritual journey.  I'm feeling a tremendous wakening of chi, kundalini, bochicitta, whatever it is.  It's more powerful in me than it's ever been.

It started about a week ago with a fluttering in my throat.  I'd been working on resting in the energy of my Tan Tien and then suddenly I started feeling this energy in my throat, like a trapped butterfly.  I started to do a little research into throat chakras, and decided that this must be energy that is moving up, unblocking my very tense vocal chords.  Resting in my vocal chords brings back a lot of childhood memories, not all good. So much fighting in my family, harsh words, abuse.  This was a good opportunity to work that through.

Once the energy in my throat was worked through, I discovered an effervescence, that I suspect is the "taste of purification" that Shinzen Young talks about. 

This is apparently a watershed moment in meditation, when you shift from meditating to have states of being, towards meditating as part of a process of purification.  In this state you are content to face your pain, your suffering, your circumstances because you realize that the way you are experiencing this pain will make every future moment of your life better.

There are blocks, I know, to my power an energy.  But I'm feeling more and more everyday that I'm working my way through them.  I'm running, I'm eating better, I'm feeling better.  I'm still feeling blocked in my writing, but I'm feeling confident that this can change.

There are perceptions and misconceptions that keep all this stagnation in place, and I know I probably don't see them yet.  But I will.

It's going to be an exciting six months. Looking forward to finding out what's on the other side.

Leaning in, Sinking down

Last night I had one of the best stands I've had in a long time. I'd just finished the first day of a two day conference (Montreal WordCamp) and I was feeling that emptiness I sometimes feel when I've been around a group of people. Maybe I'm an introvert who feels drained around other humans. I don't know. Though I want human company, I often feel this profound feeling of depletion and despair afterwards.

Too often in the past I've dealt with this problem with distraction. I come home feeling empty. Then I fill the emptiness with food and television,which just makes the emptiness worse. And then I go into these social situations, that I want, from a feeling of vulnerability.

Last night was different. I've been working with thoughts and feelings in my meditation practice, and last night I decided to divide and conquer. I did some standing with my loneliness (made a little sharper by the fact that my son left for two weeks with his father.) I alternated this with a feeling of open awareness. I did some standing and sitting with smaller feelings, my aversion to cleaning the kitchen that I left a mess this morning, my frustration that my son had pulled out all the cable, internet connectors in an attempt to take his Playstation, etc.

I stayed with this feelings and felt the thinking feeling in my forehead, as I do more and more. Later in the evening I found the motivation to really stand for well over an hour.

I felt the warmth of this universal energy that is always available to me. I felt a voice telling me that I didn't need to choose this energy anymore. The choice had been made. I am this energy and I have chosen myself. The feedback loop is now a core part of me. No decision. It's just maintenance.

As I stood, the warmth began to sink and grow. But towards the end of the stand I began to notice different kind of energy. There was, not so much a numbness in my forehead, but an energy close to a neutral sense of being. Not the usual tension I feel there. Or the sense of relief when i've stopped living in that part of my brain. Just an energy, a presence.

Later I wondered if maybe this was what it felt when thought was in the service of awareness/attention, and not the other way around.

This morning as I was standing, I found myself getting distracted and pulled into the stream of thought. I reminded myself, as I've been doing the last week or so, to lean into this energy and then alternate it with open awareness.  But this time it occurred to me to lean in and then do what I'd always been doing in Tai Chi, sink down. Or rather position myself to allow the energy to sink of its own accord.

Lean in, sink down. I realized that this could be a very effective mantra for bringing my attention back to deeper core awareness.

When I sink, or position for sinking, I start to feel all the deeper parts of my brain, all the other lobes below and beyond this frontal cortex. I know my brain is getting deeper and stronger. And I know I'm becoming deeper and stronger as a result of this practice.

As I continue this, I will feel this strong desire to bring this connection to other people.

And then, as the end of a day or a conference, I'll feel less and less drained. More and more energized.

The loop, once blocked, is now open.

Cognitive Overload

I learned a life changing concept in my design course last week.

The human brain is not very good with working memory.  Or, for whatever reason, it has lost this skill.  So it is important for designs to minimize the cognitive demands on the user. In web design you make problems easier by making the learning environment support the learning of the problem.

In meditation this is what we are doing.  Minimizing the cognitive demands for a certain period, so that insight is more possible.

I tried this in running yesterday, and it was miraculous. Because my mind was only focussed on the task of keeping to the correct technique, my run was easier.   My body immediately solved whatever misalignment, or tension in my body that was sapping my energy.

Something happened over the last year that has  burdened my mind with obsessions and anxieties.  It's been hard to meditate.  But I'm wondering if the challenge of meditation has been that I've never quite understood the need for meditation.  I understand the benefits, but I've never really understood the essential problem it resolves.

But mindfulness is exactly that, creating an efficent uncluttered interface for the working memory to be well supported.

blocked

So, a break from my commitment.

Cousin's elopement celebration last night. I drank, I ate a midnight souvlaki, I didn't bother to set the alarm. I feel pretty crappy. At least I don't have to spend the day preparing for the exterminator.

I guess I still have some bad habits.

Yesterday evening before I set out I was feeling a massive level of lethargy. I didn't want to go. The voice in my head kept telling me how depressed I was. And then I decided to change things. I'm not depressed I said. I'm blocked. I did some standing meditation and felt immediately better.

I'm going to try this for a while. Instead of identifying with the bad feeling that seems to be permanent. I'm going to see it as a mere blockage that in time I can dislodge.

Right now for instance I feel terrible. But I'm going to just stand for 20 minutes and see where that takes me.