Enjoyment

In Eckhart Tolle's vision of a New Earth, enjoyment replaces wanting as the driving force. I want to be a part of that new world, so I'm trying these days to focus on what I enjoy, and to allow that to be the thing that organizes my decisions.

I enjoy the same things most people do, interesting experiences, conversations, travel, delicious food.  But if I had to answer the question what I enjoy more than anything, it really is the feeling I get when I'm meditating. Feeling that vitality in my gut, the warmth at the back of my neck and down my spine, that gravitational beam when I assume a natural posture that connects me with the universal force. Without that, all that I enjoy is merely craving and escape.

If I'm going to move forward in life, I have to give myself permission to enjoy this state of being as often and as fully as I want.

The crazy thing is that I often don't want it.  I often don't want to do this thing that I truly enjoy.

Maybe that's because I'm still in the state of wanting.  I keep thinking about all the things I don't have and want. To be a successful writer able to make a comfortable income. To be an influential teacher, able to inspire people towards a better way of living.  To be a better parent, able to raise a son who will want to contribute something to the world.

I won't be able to do any of that if I can't enjoy life.  If I can't enjoy the feeling of being alive.

To be motivated by enjoyment rather than want is a decision.  It's not a hedonistic decision, because I'm not being motivated by pleasure.  I'm being motivated by the joy that arises from being at peace in the world. And there's a lot of pain to be faced and worked through to get to that enjoyment.

But I'm going to do it.  The decision has been made.

Decisions, Decisions

Yesterday I read an article, Obama's Way.  Something that the president said has been stuck in my mind ever since.  Research shows that the simple action of making decisions degrades the ability to make further decisions.  "You need to focus your decision-making energy.  You need to routinize yourself.  You can't be going through the day distracted by trivia."
  I'm distracted, but I'm not sure it's about trivia.  Everyday I make about a hundred different decisions about what I'm going to do or be in my life.  I keep forgetting that the decision has been made.  I'm a writer. That's what I decided to become.
  I'm a stander.  I'm a cooker of non-packaged products. I'm a minimalist housekeeper.  I clean best  by throwing out.
  In the mornings I stand. I write. I tidy the kitchen, make beds, swipe bathrooms.  In the afternoons I read, I run, I get stuff ready for dinner.
  In the evenings I watch TV, socialize, and maybe soon I'll be teaching. Maybe soon I'll be speaking.
  That's my life.
  That's it, that's all.
  The decisions have been made.  My job is now just to carry them out.

Transmutation

In The Power of Now, Tolle writes about the process of transmutation. This is where if we stay present with the pain in our body, experience it, but don't form new cognitions about it, our presence is strengthened and our pain is lessened.

I feel like over the years, I've learned to do this with my body, but I still often believe my mind is still a whole cluttered scary project full of unprocessed anxiety and sadness. That belief is an illusion. The mind that my faulty emotional programming is only a small part of is a far greater and stronger entity than my emotional pain. But it takes diligent practice to keep reconnecting with it over and over and over again.

At this moment for instance there is a feeling inside me of confusion and worry. I'm not quite sure what I should be doing on this day when my son is unexpectedly home sick. Should I be learning code, should I be cleaning, shopping, writing? I have less of a clear idea of which my life is heading every day.

Maybe that's a good thing. My life was obviously in something of a rut before, so if the path isn't clear at least it's not the path that was heading me into trouble.

But maybe it is. Maybe my sudden new interest in coding is just a way to undermine the momentum I was making as a writer?

So I sit with the pain of not knowing what I should be doing. I don't think. I just feel.

Eventually the pain lessens, and I have an insight. Usually when I'm feeling in a double bind between two secondary purposes, it's because I've lost sight of my primary purpose: to be. To just allow my natural energy to flourish and in doing that to help other people to manifest their own natural warmth, intelligence and openness.