Famous last week words

Remember a couple of days ago when the chi was getting stronger. Well here I am now struggling to maintain my focus.

I'm obsessing over, all things, Roman Polanski. I wrote an opinion piece yesterday and now I can't stop thinking about it and get my mind back to the gentle energy I need. This morning, while standing, I had a Roman Polanski related memory, which I won't go into. But at least in standing I begin to trace the roots of my obsessions.

Much of my writing is driven by this obsessive energy, memories that want to come to the surface, desperation for validation. I wonder sometimes, okay often, if my public blog is more of a distraction than a help. I can't seem to settle down to the subject that I'm pretty sure is my calling, consciousness driven writing.

I, I, I, I.

Yesterday it hit me why I want to believe in this force, this energy that is stronger than me and that will intervene in my life in a positive way if I ask it. Because if it can help me and others then I have a responsibility to believe in it. If channeling it actually can bring love and justice and peace to the world, then I have a responsibility to channel it and encourage other people to do it. But I'm scared because I know that a lot of people will consider that regressive and irresponsible and immature. And I don't really have the authority or the great life to prove to anyone that this is a good thing to do.

But can't I do it because it's a good thing for me and a good thing for the people in my life, and for the other people who are also in the process of channeling it?

What is my way?

more metal

Still having some focus problems. But the metal training is taking root.

One of the things I realized is that metal is a symbol of endurance, permanence and commitment (although, sadly, if we really wanted a symbol of endurance we might want to consider plastic training. From what I've read McDonald's happy toys have as great a chance of being around hundreds of years from now as wedding rings. But I digress because my mind is digressive.)

Anyways. Maybe if I work on my metal training I'll be a little less at the mercy of my anxiety drives.

What I'm doing right now is imagining my tan tien as a magnet that sucks in all the little distracted thoughts that keep buzzing around in my brain. Another thing I imagine is having a couple of big axes that cut through the scattered thoughts. Or little blades that quickly slice them into mulch.

Mostly I just try to imagine my inner strength as something extremely permanent. A permanent grounded force that will be there no matter what.