Living from my gut

This week I've been feeling the tingling from my Tan Tien re-generating. My lower body is starting to feel more solid.  I have have felt myself as a very big cell of energy with the nucleus at the Tan Tien. When I get to this stage the purpose of my life is so clear, to just build and live from this energy.
  I have nothing to lose from living this way, and everything to gain. I sleep better, I make better decisions. I connect better with other people.  I write better.
  So why is there this "but."  Why is the undermining energy so much stronger. Why do I keep cycling back to this point of crisis.  Or does it just feel stronger? I'm here aren't I?  This journal has continued and been a foundation for me to bring me back again and again and again to this practice.   And every I return, I realize how much I've still retained in my body and psyche.
  I guess it feels stronger because I'm so attached to it.  If I could accomplish the trick of making the undermining energy the foundation of my practice than the undermining energy would be the fuel that drives my practice. At which point the healthier, more nurturing energy would grow naturally.
  And this time it will stay.

Tan Tien, purpose, meaning, energy, habit

Famous last week words

Remember a couple of days ago when the chi was getting stronger. Well here I am now struggling to maintain my focus.

I'm obsessing over, all things, Roman Polanski. I wrote an opinion piece yesterday and now I can't stop thinking about it and get my mind back to the gentle energy I need. This morning, while standing, I had a Roman Polanski related memory, which I won't go into. But at least in standing I begin to trace the roots of my obsessions.

Much of my writing is driven by this obsessive energy, memories that want to come to the surface, desperation for validation. I wonder sometimes, okay often, if my public blog is more of a distraction than a help. I can't seem to settle down to the subject that I'm pretty sure is my calling, consciousness driven writing.

I, I, I, I.

Yesterday it hit me why I want to believe in this force, this energy that is stronger than me and that will intervene in my life in a positive way if I ask it. Because if it can help me and others then I have a responsibility to believe in it. If channeling it actually can bring love and justice and peace to the world, then I have a responsibility to channel it and encourage other people to do it. But I'm scared because I know that a lot of people will consider that regressive and irresponsible and immature. And I don't really have the authority or the great life to prove to anyone that this is a good thing to do.

But can't I do it because it's a good thing for me and a good thing for the people in my life, and for the other people who are also in the process of channeling it?

What is my way?