I have it in me to heal this hunger.
Last night I spent 90 minutes in meditation doing the purification rituals of the Ngondro path. We imagine a guru with the power to purify and clarify our perception. The goal is not to purify the self, since in buddhism, the core self is already pure, we just don't see that with our muddy minds. The goal is to wash away the mud that obscures our vision. Midway through we dissolve this imagined guru into ourself. We project our best self onto the guru because it's still too much for us to believe that we have that same potential power.
Once I completed the rituals, I felt liberated and empty. I sat in this strong sphere of equanimity. I felt like my body would burst with it. And then gradually it contracted into that core, or what feels like a core, of hunger, restlessness, desperation. All the things that drive me to my chronic habits of escape. I sat with the hunger for a long time. This hunger for a life I've always wanted. To be pretty and loved and accomplished and admired, and pure. And young again.
This morning I went back to that hunger again. I felt remorse for all the bad habits I have that feel so entrenched in me. But I also realized the delusion of that. The "bad" in me is not as solid as I think. It's just muddy perception. The dullness of that feeling is very grounding. If I could become more familiar with this hunger and cultivate the habit of seeking it out, being with it, instead of trying to make it go away. If it could become as welcome to me as a stiff muscle that I know I can work out with a little massage. If I could make friends with my hunger. Make it a daily companion. I could heal all the anxiety and addiction that surrounds it and keeps it in place.
