One of the blocks to my mission to cultivate wellbeing, is that I doubt myself. I am still, too often, plagued by the certainty that I can't take care of myself and my son. That one day reality will catch up with me and I will have to face the truth, that I'm a fraud and a fool. All will be revealed.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a Tergar mini-retreat and we explored the practice of self-compassion. I've been listening to a guided meditation that prompts me to aspire to safety, peace, kindness towards myself and acceptance of myself.
But one thing that I read in Joy of Living struck me as very true. Compassion is a powerful practice. And as a powerful practice, it can spark a powerful reaction. Rinpoche recommends that when practicing compassion, it's always best to start small, a minute of two of compassion, alternated with a minute of open, effortless awareness. This helps smooth the path, and dampen any tendency to reactivity.
This morning in my practice I reached a different perspective on my mission. Yes "I" want to cultivate well-being. But really the mission is also to let go and allow well-being to cultivate me. Not comfort, but the energy that arises from a life well lived. The more of this energy in my life, the less "I" there is to doubt. Self compassion is often compassion for the delusion that there is this isolated, vulnerable "I".
That's why it's very important that self-compassion isn't self pity. And important that self-compassion is layered with open awareness, so that we get that little break from self-cultivation. So that the energy that we do believe in washes aways the doubt that keeps us in the self-looping cage.
