I've always felt a connection to some kind of spiritual power. Ever since I was young and throughout some pretty empty times I've felt more connected to this power than I often do to people. Or at least groups of people.
I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm probably not much of a party person. I like the food, and I like the laughter, but still I don't usually feel nurtured by these encounters. And I don't usually feel that I'm doing much for others by keeping the conversation going, pleasant as it might be.
What if I were to put my energy this year into what I care about most, what's out there? What I can feel out in the universe. What would I lose, really?
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Hugs
I'm back to standing.
I've been reading Christopher McDougal's book Natural Born Heroes, and I've re-discovered my fascia, the weblike elastic casing that is stronger than any muscle. I suppose I've wandered off the path for a few years with running and sitting, but it's time to come back to this root practice.
Sitting has helped me to build the emotional component of my standing practice. This morning while I was holding the ball, I felt a connection to what we feel when we hug someone we love, and what we feel when we are hugged.
This loving kindness is woven throughout the fascia which is all memory, all awareness. Like the membrane of the fetal sack, it's the thin border between our soul and the world.
I've been reading Christopher McDougal's book Natural Born Heroes, and I've re-discovered my fascia, the weblike elastic casing that is stronger than any muscle. I suppose I've wandered off the path for a few years with running and sitting, but it's time to come back to this root practice.
Sitting has helped me to build the emotional component of my standing practice. This morning while I was holding the ball, I felt a connection to what we feel when we hug someone we love, and what we feel when we are hugged.
This loving kindness is woven throughout the fascia which is all memory, all awareness. Like the membrane of the fetal sack, it's the thin border between our soul and the world.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Faith
Faith is power.
Without it there is no freedom, just constant grasping for the ground, a feeling of never finding a balance in life. Faith is knowing that there's a centre to be found even in the tiniest of footholds.
I have been so fortunate to have found these footholds along a very emotionally unstable life. From the first yoga book my mother abandoned in which I discovered for the first time the practice of sitting still. Through my four minute tai chi routine from a woman's magazine. Gradually I have become aware of this solid, abiding awareness. This self.
I have many unhappy memories, but through that always this place of true refuge. This freedom. During the worst of times, and when I needed it the most, the best of times. Today in morning meditation I began to see it, the continuity. When I looked at my life, for a moment I didn't see the long history of disappointments and heartbreak. I saw the long history of this lovely, strong, loving self that I've always been able to depend on.
It's still a challenge, but the challenge is what keeps me strong. The challenge is not whether I can keep this up all my life. That I know with more certainty every year. It's whether I can keep it up today.
Can I know myself today.
Without it there is no freedom, just constant grasping for the ground, a feeling of never finding a balance in life. Faith is knowing that there's a centre to be found even in the tiniest of footholds.
I have been so fortunate to have found these footholds along a very emotionally unstable life. From the first yoga book my mother abandoned in which I discovered for the first time the practice of sitting still. Through my four minute tai chi routine from a woman's magazine. Gradually I have become aware of this solid, abiding awareness. This self.
I have many unhappy memories, but through that always this place of true refuge. This freedom. During the worst of times, and when I needed it the most, the best of times. Today in morning meditation I began to see it, the continuity. When I looked at my life, for a moment I didn't see the long history of disappointments and heartbreak. I saw the long history of this lovely, strong, loving self that I've always been able to depend on.
It's still a challenge, but the challenge is what keeps me strong. The challenge is not whether I can keep this up all my life. That I know with more certainty every year. It's whether I can keep it up today.
Can I know myself today.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Thanksgiving
Canadian Thanksgiving.
Much to be grateful for this year. More money, more work. A stronger connection to my basic goodness, intelligence and warmth.
I have a healthy, fit body. I have an expertise that's valuable. Gratitude is the emotion that enriches and accelerates whatever good habit I've been able to cultivate. It's important to give thanks for all that has been given to us. But also for the goodness that we have cultivated through our own efforts, decisions and commitments.
Gratitude makes us feel safe. It signals to the body and the brain that we have enough and that we are enough.
More than enough .
Much to be grateful for this year. More money, more work. A stronger connection to my basic goodness, intelligence and warmth.
I have a healthy, fit body. I have an expertise that's valuable. Gratitude is the emotion that enriches and accelerates whatever good habit I've been able to cultivate. It's important to give thanks for all that has been given to us. But also for the goodness that we have cultivated through our own efforts, decisions and commitments.
Gratitude makes us feel safe. It signals to the body and the brain that we have enough and that we are enough.
More than enough .
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Letting go
I'm letting go of old patterns. Stale, destructive habits that don't serve me anymore. Overeating, unhealthy eating, procrastination, over consumption of information and entertainment, squalor. Above all the belief that I don't have the energy and strength to let these go.
The first step to letting go is being aware of them in the first place. And being aware of what purpose they serve. Those habit shield me from vulnerability and fear. I don't want to feel how unbalanced and unsafe I feel. I don't want to feel that tender place in the arch of my back that is throwing my whole posture slightly out of line.
But that's where the safety is.That deep, magnetic energy that I get when I sit and when I stand. It's down in that place that I don't want to go.The root chakra, it's been called.
Letting go of old habits is a twofold process. It's the letting go of the fear, but it's also building the new habit of feeling safe and accepted. Of feeling how stable and balanced I feel when my spine is rooted in relaxed, grounding energy. When I can not just see, but feel the indigo of awareness and the red of the sun rising from the earth.
I have so many good, strong and positive habits in my life. It is time now to let go and surrender to them. And know that I am safe.
The first step to letting go is being aware of them in the first place. And being aware of what purpose they serve. Those habit shield me from vulnerability and fear. I don't want to feel how unbalanced and unsafe I feel. I don't want to feel that tender place in the arch of my back that is throwing my whole posture slightly out of line.
But that's where the safety is.That deep, magnetic energy that I get when I sit and when I stand. It's down in that place that I don't want to go.The root chakra, it's been called.
Letting go of old habits is a twofold process. It's the letting go of the fear, but it's also building the new habit of feeling safe and accepted. Of feeling how stable and balanced I feel when my spine is rooted in relaxed, grounding energy. When I can not just see, but feel the indigo of awareness and the red of the sun rising from the earth.
I have so many good, strong and positive habits in my life. It is time now to let go and surrender to them. And know that I am safe.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Patterns
Today I'm doing a self-directed retreat.
My life is in a state of transition as I work more, succeed more, and take on more responsibility. The old patterns of fear and reactivity emerge. I remember my professional family, chaotic, stressed, feeling enslaved to so many forces. Samsara. The ordinary whole catastrophe.
Sometimes when I head into a retreat, I have a hope that somehow I can make this all go away. But a kinder, more viable plan is to simply see the pattern and look at where I have a tendency to let things spin out of control.
It's okay to be anxious and feel overwhelmed. But it's also okay to be calm, lucid, focused and resilient.
This week as I prepare for my half marathon, I've been working on resting in the relaxation that emerges from a fit and vital body. Resting in that relaxation creates a positive loop of relaxation.
The same thing happens in loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity. The more habitual these qualities become the more they grow. For many years I have wrestled with their shadows, attachment, over excitement, pity, passivity. But I feel less desperate and greedy for the fruits of meditation these days. I am deeply grateful for the insights and perceptions that have evolved as a result of this practice. And I am excited in a very real way for them to take root.
My life is in a state of transition as I work more, succeed more, and take on more responsibility. The old patterns of fear and reactivity emerge. I remember my professional family, chaotic, stressed, feeling enslaved to so many forces. Samsara. The ordinary whole catastrophe.
Sometimes when I head into a retreat, I have a hope that somehow I can make this all go away. But a kinder, more viable plan is to simply see the pattern and look at where I have a tendency to let things spin out of control.
It's okay to be anxious and feel overwhelmed. But it's also okay to be calm, lucid, focused and resilient.
This week as I prepare for my half marathon, I've been working on resting in the relaxation that emerges from a fit and vital body. Resting in that relaxation creates a positive loop of relaxation.
The same thing happens in loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity. The more habitual these qualities become the more they grow. For many years I have wrestled with their shadows, attachment, over excitement, pity, passivity. But I feel less desperate and greedy for the fruits of meditation these days. I am deeply grateful for the insights and perceptions that have evolved as a result of this practice. And I am excited in a very real way for them to take root.
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Focus
This week I've been working on focussing my eyes. Or rather resting my eyes, and thus my mind while |I meditate, run, live.
It's so easy to forget this simple, but powerful practice. The mind wanders around as if in a dream, and all we need to do bring is back is simply rest our eyes on a still object: a tree in the distance, a favourie coffee cup, an orange, our hands.
Resting my eyes is the first step, then sensing my body and the space around it, then resting in the outbreath, and finally feeling the inevitable relaxation and flow of pleasant neurotransmitters. Such a simple and powerful algorithm.
Resting the yes on a single point creates focus. This grounds the imagination, and sooner than we realize, we can start dreaming the dream we want to dream and stop being caught in the random dream generator.
It's so easy to forget this simple, but powerful practice. The mind wanders around as if in a dream, and all we need to do bring is back is simply rest our eyes on a still object: a tree in the distance, a favourie coffee cup, an orange, our hands.
Resting my eyes is the first step, then sensing my body and the space around it, then resting in the outbreath, and finally feeling the inevitable relaxation and flow of pleasant neurotransmitters. Such a simple and powerful algorithm.
Resting the yes on a single point creates focus. This grounds the imagination, and sooner than we realize, we can start dreaming the dream we want to dream and stop being caught in the random dream generator.
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