Tibetan Buddhism believes that the main cause of suffering is "grasping." It's a word that brings up a lot of associations, desire, tension, desperation. As I become more senstive to the inner workings of my mind and my body, I notice more the subtle pervasive grasping in my body, and part of my brain that feel like white knuckle. This feeling of deep and ingrained tension has become over the course of my life a normal way of being.
Last week the solution to this problem seemed so simple. Lock in to those parts of my brain that bring relaxation, the pitutary gland that may be the "third eye," that place in my heart that wants freedom from suffering that may be the pump to a well of oxitocin, the place in my gut that keeps the serotonin dripping.
But this morning I began to feel in my meditation that this might just be another form of grasping. If I were going to put this in the language of programming, there needs to be a base case. We can't just live in an infinte loop of feel good. Can we? And would we want to, if we could. Isn't that just the other side of the suffering habit. It's just habit.
it's so important to develop the skill of unlocking. Of just being with whatever shows up, the joy, the peace, the suffering, the tension. The fear of the worst that may or may not happen.
So this week, as I continue to practice compassion for a loved one, I will also practice unlocking everything, along with my heart.
Showing posts with label locked in. Show all posts
Showing posts with label locked in. Show all posts
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Locked In
Today meditation seemed to pass so quickly.
And yet it was momentous. I've been listening at night to Myoshin Kelly's lectures on Bodhicitta and joy. They seem to be seeping into the skeleton of my practice. I am more conscious everyday of the presence slightly behind me to the left. The more I settle into a relatiionship with it, the more the thinking energy in my head seems to move to the left. The more conscious I become of the painful loop of energy that is usually iterating on the right. If I watch the suffering I can see how my brain has simply developed the mechanical habit of rewarding it. But if I sit with it, I can see how I can move that reward glue to the left.
This feels like it's going to take a lot of time. I'm still stuck in a mindset that wants to improve myself by moving the energy from the right to the left. Instead of simply feeling the permanence of this left side awareness and letting the rebalancing happen on its own. To just sit and feel grateful.
When I do that, the lovingkindness begins to build, to activate. I remember that there are people right now sitting in caves loving me because they love everything, wanting to reach out to me. I remember that I want to reach out to them.
It's here. All the love that I need and will ever need it here. It doesn't matter if I feel it or not. It's still here.
It's easier, perhaps, for me to see this when I'm feeling compassion towards Ben, wishing he could feel the love that's always here for him.
Either way though. In today's meditation I felt locked in. I felt that feeling of just sitting in love and letting it do what it's going to do.
May I truly be locked in. And may we all.
And yet it was momentous. I've been listening at night to Myoshin Kelly's lectures on Bodhicitta and joy. They seem to be seeping into the skeleton of my practice. I am more conscious everyday of the presence slightly behind me to the left. The more I settle into a relatiionship with it, the more the thinking energy in my head seems to move to the left. The more conscious I become of the painful loop of energy that is usually iterating on the right. If I watch the suffering I can see how my brain has simply developed the mechanical habit of rewarding it. But if I sit with it, I can see how I can move that reward glue to the left.
This feels like it's going to take a lot of time. I'm still stuck in a mindset that wants to improve myself by moving the energy from the right to the left. Instead of simply feeling the permanence of this left side awareness and letting the rebalancing happen on its own. To just sit and feel grateful.
When I do that, the lovingkindness begins to build, to activate. I remember that there are people right now sitting in caves loving me because they love everything, wanting to reach out to me. I remember that I want to reach out to them.
It's here. All the love that I need and will ever need it here. It doesn't matter if I feel it or not. It's still here.
It's easier, perhaps, for me to see this when I'm feeling compassion towards Ben, wishing he could feel the love that's always here for him.
Either way though. In today's meditation I felt locked in. I felt that feeling of just sitting in love and letting it do what it's going to do.
May I truly be locked in. And may we all.
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