Today meditation seemed to pass so quickly.
And yet it was momentous. I've been listening at night to Myoshin Kelly's lectures on Bodhicitta and joy. They seem to be seeping into the skeleton of my practice. I am more conscious everyday of the presence slightly behind me to the left. The more I settle into a relatiionship with it, the more the thinking energy in my head seems to move to the left. The more conscious I become of the painful loop of energy that is usually iterating on the right. If I watch the suffering I can see how my brain has simply developed the mechanical habit of rewarding it. But if I sit with it, I can see how I can move that reward glue to the left.
This feels like it's going to take a lot of time. I'm still stuck in a mindset that wants to improve myself by moving the energy from the right to the left. Instead of simply feeling the permanence of this left side awareness and letting the rebalancing happen on its own. To just sit and feel grateful.
When I do that, the lovingkindness begins to build, to activate. I remember that there are people right now sitting in caves loving me because they love everything, wanting to reach out to me. I remember that I want to reach out to them.
It's here. All the love that I need and will ever need it here. It doesn't matter if I feel it or not. It's still here.
It's easier, perhaps, for me to see this when I'm feeling compassion towards Ben, wishing he could feel the love that's always here for him.
Either way though. In today's meditation I felt locked in. I felt that feeling of just sitting in love and letting it do what it's going to do.
May I truly be locked in. And may we all.
