Easter 2017

So as I ask this question, "what do I really want," here are the paths it is taking.

Money, which when the question is repeated leads to a wanting a sense of security and also wanting a sense of adventure.  Ask it again and I'm lead to that place in my tailbone, which is apparently where our sense of security is either weakest or strongest.  And then from the energy awakening that would happen as it grows, the sense of adventure.

"What do I really want" also seems to be leading to "where do I really want." Do I want my desires to come from my head, from my gut, from my backbone?  These are all interesting questions.  Right now I'm feeling backbone.

Deconstructing Stillness

What do I want more than anything else in the world?

Here's a persistent thought that keeps running through my brain like a kind of thought worm. For this thought to have meaning a few things have to be true.  That there's this stable "I" that is wanting something.  That there is this stable thing that is and always will be more desirable than anything else. That there is this knowable world that I have a complete enough knowledge of to be able to choose this stable thing.  When I look at this thought from this angle, it seems pernicious.  How can this though result in anything that a desperate wandering through the world trying to find this perfect thing for this stable I that will always be.

Or I can look at it from another angle.  Yes whatever "I" created as the stable "I" is a construct, but it can be a useful construct.  And I can't know everything in the world, but I can decide from what I do know the thing, the quality, the state of being that is the most important thing.  The thing that holds all other things together.  I can use this question to tease out my deepest and more abiding values.

This morning in meditation as I was deconstructing this thought, I settled into my Tan Tien, felt as I do more and more frequently these days, a kind of stillness.  A fluid, but stable energy that could be a source of thriving peace and joy.  A place that could be an engine/a feedback loop, a self propelling mechanism.

As I settled into the warmth I could feel it feed itself, it rose quietly and pleasantly up my body.  I could see the kind of life that I could have so clearly.  It would be a life where I chose this vitality, this joy, this peace as what I wanted more than anything, and the more I chose it, the more it would choose and nourish me.

We are not our abilities.  We are our choices. I believe that's a direct quote from Harry Potter.  But the magic is in the choices.

What this thought is telling me is that I need to choose.  If I'm going to have a path through the wilderness, for me and for Ben, I need to choose and I need to commit to that choice.  And I need to do that with peace and with joy.

soft snow

There's a soft snow falling this morning. While I was shovelling it off the entrance I thought of it as all the pleasant numbness that can so easily build up, become ice and block the entrance of energy into my life.

I'm making healing metaphors out of all my housework recently. It's working wonders. My kitchen and bedroom are orderly. I managed to do some sweeping and dusting yesterday. Metaphors, I read in a poem recently, are god's directions.

I talk with my muse more regularly now. And last night while Ben was at piano, instead of reading or watching a movie on the ipod, I just sat. And sat and thought about how through most of my life I've felt really unwanted. Or maybe more acurately, I haven't often felt wanted. Really passionately wanted. In an erotic way, or in a loving way. Ben makes me feel wanted. But that's more needed. And it's not fair to burden him with that responsibility. I sat for a while and it struck me that the best way to be wanted it to actually want others.

I sat there for a long time and just wanted God. Really felt the strong desire for that in my heart.

It carried me through a difficult evening with Ben, who is becoming increasingly angry and rebellious. I took away his video game privileges. I decided that he needed an "evening of acceptance."

I'm worried about the effect of those games on his energy level. He seems to be driven by this rigid angry energy. Almost a rage. I need to find a way to help him unhook from that. But I need to unhook from it myself.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the nigth. I meditated. I read. I went back to sleep and made the mistake of bringing the ipod into the room with me. I slept in and had dreams about my mother. She and my father were sleeping in my room (I had moved to Ben's room in the middle of the night). She seemed sweet at first, but something put her into a rage. I responded in rage. And soon we were fighting with all the anger and despair we have always fought.

I don't want that in my life. I do not want to continue the tradition of that rage. I need to find peace.

Growing desire

Woke up an hour earlier than usual, so I ended up standing for almost two hours. I'm starting to feel the energy really grow again. And with that I'm starting to feel a deeper desire for the energy.

My desire for this renewal of chi has been mostly intellectual up until now. But today I felt a real craving in my heart for it. For the wonderful feeling I have known. A kind of nostalgia, a kind of desire for what you've always had. It's such a great feeling because it feels like such a real, solid desire than can always stay with you, not the ephemeral feeling of a fleeting desire. Or the pain of a bad habit.

This is true healthy desire, and it gives me faith that I'm on the right track.