I put a lot of energy into trying to stop hating myself, but it occurs to me this morning, that maybe I don't need to change this part of my mind. Self-hatred can be that lump of coal in my heart that is really a diamond. It bring me right to the source of my vulnerability.
What would happen if I truly believed that I didn't need to change this?
And what if my meditation going forward was truly about accepting what was, the conceptual mind, the confusion, the striving, despite all my effort a non-striving?
I had a vision of myself this morning, like if I were one of those people so rich that they just have a bank account that builds wealth without work.
Could I get to the point where I saw many times, everyday, that I am this rich? That I will be until my last breath.
When I can greet this statement "I hate myself" like a lifetime loving companion, with the love I would feel to a long lost friend who just walked through the door, I will know I am here.
