As I become more fully and regularly in touch with the basic goodness, the awareness of which arises and is strengthened by my hour a day morning practice, I'm confronted with other feelings. Grief. Remorse. The need to forgive and be forgiven.
I spent so much of my life just wandering around looking for help and healing. The path is clearer now, but now I'm processing the realization that the path was always there, but I chose differently. I chose television, hopeless relationships, isolation, numbness and escape. Not always. I also chose books, made and maintained friendships, psychotherapy, Zhan Zhuang. But sometimes I only see the confusion.
This may be because I've been wandering off the path of late. Looking for other teachers and not quite devoting myself to the Tergar program, as I kind of vowed to do.
Kind of vowed. That says it all. I'm still not committing. Not committing to this, to my writing career, to the non-profit I'm starting, to Ben. To any one thing really.
And I'm beating myself up about it.
Let's look for this moment at the things that I am committed to. An hour a day practice, which is no small thing. My Tergar retreats, which take time and money. My running. And I have been editing my book every morning. It feels ready.
There's a commitment there that arises automatically out of the energy that I build through these commitments. It steadies me, even when I wander off.
This week, I will return to my level three practice routine. Keep to the algorithm of the path I've been engaged in. I'm not ready to commit to Ngondro. It's interesting, but I'm not there yet. So I'm going to keep to the secular path for now. It's more sustainable in the life I'm living. If and when I feel grief and remore, I will recognize them as signs that I'm making progress, deepening my awareness, which included the recognition of where I went wrong and the consequences of those behaviours, and letting go, which always brings with it the sharpness of grief. These are purifying emotions. I can handle them.
But for now I return.
