I have chosen refuge in my meditation practice. And in doing so, I have chosen a different sense of "self."
Where my self was once the random generator of thoughts and beliefs that propelled me in ways of which I was only half conscious. Now it's this quiet, powerful energy that is snaking itself throughout my whole body and brain.
Last night while I was meditating, I felt more profoundly safe than I've ever felt in my life. It didn't last, but it was a glimpse of the kind of safety I wish I'd felt more of as a child, and that I wish I could give to Ben. It struck me this intense difference between refuge and escape.
Television, social media, dumb arguments in my mind, daydreams in which I am more important than I am in actual life, these are all escape. Refuge is a place to be safe and renew. It's a place that is genuinely empowering.
It also hit me last night, how desperate I am for approval. I pretend it's not important to me, but it haunts my ruminations constantly. Right now for instance I had a terror that I might not be able to write out of the new "self." Maybe my writing wouldn't be as good coming from this silent energy. What I was really anxious about was whether or not my writing would be impressive. Elegant. All the things that are about approval, and not really about love of language.
In fact the space that this other self creates between thoughts, between words, between insights, will inevitably make my writing better.
I know this. So I choose it.
