Squalor

Housekeeping has always been a challenge that I struggle and continue to struggle with. I'm not, and haven't been at the level that would put me on reality television. But in recent years i still veer between messiness and first degree squalor.
 
This has consequences on my well-being and my son's. The solution is simple. Routines kept to. Picking up after yourself.  Weekly sweeping and dusting.  Nightly wiping down. 15 minutes a day of detail cleaning. Emptying the fridge once a week.  But keeping to them...so hard for me.

Why is that? Is there some kind of deep insight that will finally free me of this. Because I have suffered so much as a result of this. Isolation, loneliness, remorse, shame. And I have caused suffering to others, and have raised a son who risks causing the same suffering to others. But still I can't find the peace and joy in cleaning.

Or, put it this way, I'm still numb to the peace and joy in cleaning. I could find the peace and joy if I were to maintain a sustained commitment to it, but I don't.

It is neglect and the consequences of neglect.  I know this, but how do I turn this around?

First, by realizing that "I" don't turn this around. The energy that I need to tap into is the only thing that can turn it around.  I know I keep saying this, but I need to make cleaning into a practice.  I need to become familiar with the peace of a solid cleaning algorithm maintained every day for the rest of my life.

I know I can do this, I've made a lot of progress over the years.

The key, I believe, is to keep the sink dry and shiny.  Morning and evening.

And to commit to the algorithm that includes that 15 minute cleaning in the morning.  If the algorithm takes 30 minutes to complete I can get a laundry done and hung in that 30 minutes. Clothes folded at the end of the day. In time "commitment" simply becomes the pleasant habit of peace and order.

Why is that such a challenge?

And yet for mysterious reasons it it.

dawn

The clocks fall back today so when I woke up, quite hungover from Halloween celebrations, it was light during my practice.

So for the next while I do get to be standing at dawn.

Eventually I may train Ben to expect me to be in the park at dawn, but not while the weather is getting colder.

Practice was a challenge, but it certainly helped me with my hangover. And I need the help. My landlady suspects she has bed bugs so today I have to clean my house from top to bottom, bag everything, throw out every ounce of clutter and deep clean.

Knowing my housework challenges this is going to be an incredibly challenging day.

At the same time I almost wonder if it isn't something sent by the dawn.

I'm going to work on being able to do these tasks with an attitude of acceptance all day. Look at it like an intensive retreat. It's going to be difficult, but I wonder if I won't feel energized tomorrow being in a house I've managed to clean from top to bottom.

As I put everything back in the cupboard next week maybe I can just dump anything I really don't love. Get my possessions down to the bare minimum? Do a massive throwing out of stuff. And with it a massive clearing out of my psyche.

First, however, the accepting attitude.