Shame

Last weekend retreat on the subject of pain has given me the courage to explore all kinds of things I don't often have the courage to feel. When we let go of our aversion to pain in the body, it's easier to let go of aversion to emotional pain. On Friday I spent the day meditating on the most subtle, but painful emotion of them all: shame.

There is so much power in shame because it is the deepest most negative feedback loop in our mind, in our heart and in our body. I feel it buried deep in my gut, hating this constructed self that grows stronger and more constructed the more I hate it. It's a feeling I am averse to, so I avoid it, mostly by looking for opportunities to shame others. And the more I do that, the more deeply it's reinforced. It's a unconscious practice, but the one that has the most power to destroy us.

As such, it also has the most power to liberate us. But here's the rub: only if we're prepared to feel and familiarize ourselves with the shame.  Or prepare to feel the numbness that we create around our shame.

I grew up in a family steeped in shame. My Catholic baby boomer parents caught between the sexual liberation movement and their own strict upbringings married as a result of pregnancy. Shame was the foundation of their marriage and my life. I chose liberation over Catholicism in the end. And here I am now a single mother. At least not in a marriage of shame.  But still alone and struggling and feeling bad about myself and the life I am trying to build for my son.

How might a week of meditating on shame change that?

Well first shame is a very grounding emotion. I feel it most strongly in the root areas of my body. Second it's a blocking emotion.  By feeling it I may be able to unblock a lot of frozen, numb energy that is stopping me from thriving in life, creatively, financially, socially.

What's important to keep in mind is that I'm not trying to get rid of shame. That may be possible, but that's not my goal here. My goal is to harness the power of a so called negative feeling so that I can be happier and suffer less. My goal is to turn poison into medicine.

My goal is not so much liberation as the path of liberation.

Growing

Note to self: never go back to unhealthy eating habits.

I feel very good.  This despite a cold, a very heavy period, and whatever else may be going wrong in my life.  I feel this core of healthy energy almost effortlessly available to me whenever I need it.
I feel awake, alive, warm inside. Vital.

This morning I woke up early and had a half hour stand.  Then I followed pretty much the same routine as yesterday.  Some first and second position to get the energy going. Some exercises to open up the channels a little more.  And then first position and just watch what happens.

Pretty much the same as yesterday, just stronger.  I feel the energy growing on the right side of my body, lifting my arm to the point where I can easily just allow it to support me. I fell it intermittently flowing up my spine. Sometimes I get distracted by some recent obsession.  But now when that happens, I shift into making the obsessive energy the object of my awareness.  Pretty soon I feel a natural compulsion to return to the more pleasant flow of chi.

Because I've been following the Tergar program, I'm also trying to bring in some compassion.  At one point I started to cry.  It struck me how much of my life had been a turning away from chi, from God, from natural, harmless health and integrity.  I felt like an errant child who had spent my whole life foolishly misbehaving, and harming myself and others.  I cried it out.  All the while still holding on to the energy.  And then I just decided to forgive myself in the same way I would forgive Ben.  I'm not sure I feel this deeply yet.  But it's a start.

Today they start the process of electing a new Pope.  I haven't been a practicing Catholic for many years, but I'm going to pray.  I deeply hope they elect someone who can reconnect the church to people so that it can awaken that powerful global network of love that I believe the Church has the potential to bring forth.

And I hope that I can continue this journey with the same devotion and with the same faith that I once had to this guiding spirit.