There is a place in my heart that wants suffering. That actually craves it. I've buried under a lot of numbness, but the truth is I want to be hurt. I want to fail at relationships, at my dreams, even at my aspirations for happiness. I want the transgression. And I want the harsh cost of the transgression. This may be in large part why I'm a writer. Because I love the suffering.
But I also want to be free of this. I certainly don't want Ben to live like this. And I wouldn't wish this endless cycle of dissatisfaction, shame and heartache on any one.
So how do I step out of this cycle. Maybe tonglen. Maybe think of all the people who crave misery, and choose habits and behaviours that loop them into it again and again. Love those people and feel the frustration of loving them and then realize that I am one of those people as well.
But don't just pray. Really feel the desire to be free. Know that it's in me to want more. Be awake to that desire.
If I really want to awaken the world, I really have to want to be awake. I really have to be awake.
Showing posts with label awake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awake. Show all posts
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Monday, October 7, 2013
The Dream
Being connected to the vitality that arises through standing meditation feels more and more like what I use to feel when I was experimenting with lucid dreaming. There is this level of consciousness that is pleasurable, alive, lucid and powerful. But for some reason we are caught up in this constant stream of empty thought forms that are our worries, plans and obsessions.
The watch I spoke about in the last post is like a mechanism by which we remember to get back to this more powerful, creative energy available to us any time. Throughout the day we remember to wake up from this bad dream in which we feel powerless over the circumstances of our lives. And when we wake up we are back here in the place where we know we have all this quiet, perceptive energy to help us.
In this place we don't have to think and effort ourselves towards a better life. Our instincts, clear of all the muck, make the right choices naturally from a place of abundance, courage and confidence. First, it recognizes that this is the better life. Second it uses thought to deal mostly with practical matters, not spinning fantasies.
And then it works recursively to build and increase the energy, the insight, the power. It does this with compassion and kindness.
It does this as effortlessly as breathing.
The watch I spoke about in the last post is like a mechanism by which we remember to get back to this more powerful, creative energy available to us any time. Throughout the day we remember to wake up from this bad dream in which we feel powerless over the circumstances of our lives. And when we wake up we are back here in the place where we know we have all this quiet, perceptive energy to help us.
In this place we don't have to think and effort ourselves towards a better life. Our instincts, clear of all the muck, make the right choices naturally from a place of abundance, courage and confidence. First, it recognizes that this is the better life. Second it uses thought to deal mostly with practical matters, not spinning fantasies.
And then it works recursively to build and increase the energy, the insight, the power. It does this with compassion and kindness.
It does this as effortlessly as breathing.
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