This weekend I did my first silent retreat. With three other people, and the retreat director, I lived in silence for 20 hours, no eye contact, no words, beyond some talks by Mingyur Rinpoche. We went to sleep at 10 p.m. and woke to a 5 o'clock gong. Doing an hour and a half of meditation before breakfast.
The single most important insight I had this weekend was an instruction Rinpoche gave to us at the outset, pay attention to our motivation. So many times I caught myself meditating because I wanted the cool experience, meditating because I wanted to see myself as an exceptional meditator. meditating because I wanted to be, or think of myself as enlightened.
But my motivation is to be happy and free and suffering, and to help Ben, my family and everyone that I can possibly help to have peace and joy as well.
I thought that as I go to deeper levels of meditation that I would be confronting my most painful memories or feelings. But I realized that the most "important" feelings in my life were really the trigger feelings: the irritation, the boredom, the dissatisfaction. The impatience.
The impatience to be enlightened, to be free.
That impatience is probably in many ways the biggest block. It's why I don't want to face the dullness and pain that an hour every morning would bring. Because I would have to face that I'm not actually as far as I think I am.
And of course I would have to face that to really be liberated from dullness of mind and suffering, I'm going to have to do an hour of meditation every morning on rising. Every day for the rest of my life.
