This morning I`ve managed to take it to fifty minutes. But there`s a lot of anxiety that needs to be confronted for me to do that. No. "Confronted" is the wrong word. Companioned. I have a different relationship with my emotions these days. Morning practice is a little bit like emotional grooming. I stand quietly and see what`s in there and slowly I let it wash away.
My main insights this morning are about the feeling of stability in practice. Standing provides a stable platform for me to feel what I normally feel, rather than run away to some distraction. On this platform I feel boredom, I feel fear, I feel the effects of a childhood and lifetime of emotional and mental instability. But if I don`t feel those things then I can`t change anything.
And this is something I deeply want to change. I want emotional and mental stability, and I`m willing to accept the boredom that is a side-effect of those things.
I write that sentence and my panicked mind drifts off. Boredom. What a distressing word. In my line of work, it is the worst thing you can be. Boring someone is the worst thing you can do. The worst. What if what I`m writing is boring. I might as well curl up and die.
I know that every time I open my mouth my mother is bored. And all I`ve ever wanted to be in my life is interesting. But what is interesting about my life?
And why exactly does my life need to be interesting. Can't I be interested by life?
A life writer's job is to clean away the dust, and the ordinary detrius of life to reveal what is brilliant and original and precious in every life. Because everybody's life is interesting. No one is an exception to that rule, even me.
But running away from boredom is not the way. Because running away from boredom is like running away from life. Some of the most life giving things are hidden by boredom. To many people a pond is boring. But to the enlightened it is a deep source of energy and vitality. People in the hills escape the excitement of the city and find misery and squalor. People from the city try to escape stress and exhaustion by spending time in the hills.
For the time being I will stay with what I have. This practice. And I risk boredom, hoping it will lead to something interesting.
