Last night, instead of zoning out in front of mystery channel, I stood. I hit that bad spot, where all I could see in my life was emptiness and loneliness. And then, of course, it disappeared, as it pretty much always does into this sea of quiet, sustaining energy. All evening I had this wonderful feeling of deep security, feeling what it will be like to connect at least twice a day to this source of chi.
Now I'm up in the middle of the night, woken by this recurring flashback I couldn't seem to get out of my mind. When Ben was six, a few days after his father told him he would be moving, with his two younger brothers, to Israel, there was a very bad day. Non stop acting out. At the end of the day I walked into the kitchen and saw him scaling the outside of the backstairs fire escape, a huge drop beneath. I screamed. He got angry and said "mommy, when you screamed like that it startled me and I almost let go." Everytime I think of that moment, I get this deep terrified shudder of horror. I keep seeing him letting go and falling to his death. Again and again, before I feel asleep this image came back to me. It woke me up in the middle of the night, and then just proliferated into all my petty anxieties at the moment.
So I got up and stood. Soon enough I was feeling that nurturing, stabilizing chi. I remembered the way. My pain, my anxiety, my worst memories. All these things can be fuel for this positive nurturing energy, this connection with the most stabilizing, grounding, empowering elements of the universe. Contemplating that I feel this tremendous liberation and sense of purpose. Even my lame distracting little anxieties are food for this energy if I diligently loop back to it.
