I'm connected

Just now I did a simple 20 minute stand. Just noticed the energy and trusted it to ease physical and emotional tensions. Eventually I had a sharp stabbing reminder that I might hear from the editor today, or this week. And with that reminder the fear of rejection.
And then a reminder that as long as I'm standing I'm connected to this energy. And a contemplative thought that this fear of being rejected by an editor might be a smaller version of a deeper fear. That one day I will be rejected by this energy.
And then a reminder that one day I'm going to die and feel what might feel at that moment like the ultimate rejection.
And then an insight that this energy might--no let's say will--step in at the last moment and take me for the final moment of connection.

Interesting talk I saw this morning by Victor Frankl in which he argued that living is a lot like flying a small plane. You have to adjust for wind currents. If you aim directly for where you want to go, the current will usually bring you to a spot below. To go where you need to go, you actually have to aim for a spot above. If we aim to be who we are in reality, we will probably end up below that. If we aim to be better than we are, then we usually end up being what we really are. Frankl links this to Goethe. I think I'll go find a quote to inspire myself.

"All theory, dear friend, is gray, but the golden tree of life springs ever green."

My new lifetime commitment

I'm a little flu ish this morning. Up early standing and then not sure if I really want to stand. Wrote for a bit, because my monkey mind thinks sometimes that's what I should be doing to make my writing better. Writing more. And there is truth to that. But I think it's a mistake to make writing the primary purpose. Being is the primary purpose. I think it's a more effective way to live, and to create.
That's my theory.
But the reality is that standing is hard. It is the hardest thing I've every done. To keep it up I have to believe that this really is the best thing for me to be doing. The best way to use my time. The best way to start my day.
The only way to start my day. The only way.

The answer to the question

So seven months ago more or less, I asked myself a scientific question. Would making consciousness the primary purpose in my life empower my secondary purpose, being a writer.
I got my answer seven months, rather than six months later. An editor at Penguin is enthusiastically interested in my book proposal. So now I believe that it works.
But of course, I'm tempted to make writing my primary purpose, because that's what society rewards us for. Making work my primary purpose has, in the past, derailed me from my practice. And then, ironically, when I get de-railed from that my work suffers.
So enough writing about standing. Time to go stand.

A big change

Okay so it was closer to seven months than six months that this happened, but I am definitely a huge step closer to one of my deepest dreams. An editor at a major publishing house has expressed enthusiastic interest in the book idea I sent her. So I'm feeling pretty confident I've got a book deal on the horizon.

How do I credit Zhan Zhuan with this accomplishment. Well it kept me steady during a really anxious time, when I'd cut back on my job. But I took that extra time to explore ideas and create and write, instead finding knee jerk jobs out of financial fear. And well, it's paid off. So thanks ZZ!

Six Months

So this it. I've reached the six month goal that I set. And if I've noticed one major change recently it's that I've become more goal oriented. Achieving goals does that to you.

I've always been pretty suspicious of goal directed living. It smells to me of meritocracy. And I always worry that when one gets too focussed on goals one can so easily forget to take the time to just be.

At the same time there is an undeniable energy that comes from a life of action. It's a more manic energy. Or at least it feels like that to me today. So it's important to remember to take the time to breathe and make sure ones actions are coming from a relaxed intuitive place.

The great gift that this six months has given me, I think, it that it has helped me develop the habit of bookending my days with nurturing relaxed time. Standing in the morning. Early, quiet sleeptime in the evening. I want to be more active, but I don't want the habits of action to lead me into debilitating stress.

It's good to focus on the next small action, on the present moment. It's good to be organized in one's thinking and one's life. It's good, however, and really important to be able to take the time to feel the big picture.

I had a moment the other day: "Pre dawn purple sky. Birds up. What's going to happen with my life. Oh right, this is my life."

Finishing

I'm coming towards my goal, and I feel myself tempted to undermine my efforts. Cutting my meditation shorter. Starting to think of other things I might do in this morning time (morning pages.)

This is a typical pattern for me. I don't bring the project to its completion, and then I don't really feel the rewards and the energy that comes from achieving a goal. Instead of petering out though. I'm going to really put some energy into making this last month one that's filled with good oxytocin highs. Just the earlier dawn is making this cycle feel like a flourishing one. I'm also going to try to draw the energy from this completed project into the beginning of my next blog project. Getting the damn house clean.

how I've really changed

So I'm nearing the six month mark of my project. I'm not exactly the massive energy magnet that I envisioned. I'm not richer, or demonstrably more successful when I was when I started out.

But I've changed in a fundamental way, I think.

I've changed by re-framing my desire to change. I don't meditate anymore to change, I meditate to be conscious and aware that the life I have and the being that I am is sufficient. Paradoxically, being aware of my sufficiency seems to make that energy grow more quickly and more strongly than if I'm conscious of what I lack and try to get "more."

This doesn't mean that I've given up action. But my action is motivated by wanting to change the world so that it will allow people to be what they are, and be more accepting. I'll have to think about that a little more. But my philosophy, my vision of life is changing.

My dream is changing.