Everytime I come back to this I remember that I've done it before. I remember because I remember the stillness. And I remember what it feels like the rest of the day to have that stillness to go back to.
It's hard for me to maintain this stillness right now. My mind drifts off constantly to my financial anxieties, my future plans, my desires, whatever i happen to be writing on. I'm afraid and in the stillness there isn't much of an escape. But I hope that means that when it's time for me to sit down and make plans I will sit down and make a plan.
But at the very least the stillness I am with in the morning changes my day. Makes me a little more focused, makes me a little more aware of when my thoughts or actions are drifting off beyond the control of that part of my mind that would be better off in control.
That part of my mind, I guess is my primary process. I was reading about this yesterday. My primary process is the Freudian process of concrete thinking. Abstract is secondary. I know that I spend most of my time in abstract. I want to find a balance between the two.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
the question
So here's the question I want to answer by the end of six months.
Is E.T. right? Will making consciousness the primary purpose of your life bring more power to the secondary purpose of your life?
Let's see.
Is E.T. right? Will making consciousness the primary purpose of your life bring more power to the secondary purpose of your life?
Let's see.
I'm going to change
I've decided to take Ringo up on this challenge. With one small amendment. I'm not going outside everyday at dawn. But I will be getting up every morning at least an hour before dawn (right now 6:15) to do some standing meditation.
And I will write a little bit everyday about the changes, positive, and perhaps negative.
But first I need a reasonably good description of where I think I am in my life:
I'm scared. I've been downsized in my work as a freelancer/book critic to a commitment that is below what I need to make to pay my rent and bills. So unless I find work outside of that I'm going into worse debt than I already am.
But I am also scared that this anxiety will force me into work that I'm not really suited for. For the first time in my life I have the luxury of time. I have a couple of book ideas. If I rush into training for a new skill, let's say teaching. Am I giving up this chance to start the kettle boiling on these projects.
I'm lost. So the plan for the moment is to focus on my inner purpose, as E.T. calls it. Awareness. Awakening. Letting consciousness flow through me so that I can make the best decisions towards my secondary purpose as writer and, perhaps, teacher.
For now my goal is simple. Get up early every day for six months. Stand, and see where this takes me.
Simple, but of course difficult.
Right now, just the beginning of an adventure.
And I will write a little bit everyday about the changes, positive, and perhaps negative.
But first I need a reasonably good description of where I think I am in my life:
I'm scared. I've been downsized in my work as a freelancer/book critic to a commitment that is below what I need to make to pay my rent and bills. So unless I find work outside of that I'm going into worse debt than I already am.
But I am also scared that this anxiety will force me into work that I'm not really suited for. For the first time in my life I have the luxury of time. I have a couple of book ideas. If I rush into training for a new skill, let's say teaching. Am I giving up this chance to start the kettle boiling on these projects.
I'm lost. So the plan for the moment is to focus on my inner purpose, as E.T. calls it. Awareness. Awakening. Letting consciousness flow through me so that I can make the best decisions towards my secondary purpose as writer and, perhaps, teacher.
For now my goal is simple. Get up early every day for six months. Stand, and see where this takes me.
Simple, but of course difficult.
Right now, just the beginning of an adventure.
Monday, October 12, 2009
This is My Purpose
I agree with Eckhart Tolle that allowing consciousness to flow into us is our inner purpose.
So why is it so hard to maintain the practice that allows this?
Why is it so hard for me to get up early in the morning? Why is it so hard for me to stick to my hour? Why so impossible to do a bit in the afternoon when I need that energy boost? Why can't a I do a little before I go to bed?
Why would I rather do all the distracting things I end up doing? If I know, If I believe that this is my liberation?
What do I need to do to commit to my inner purpose?
Well it's easy to commit. But what do I need to do to maintain this commitment? How do I marry my Zhan Zhuang? Because I do believe this is the primary purpose of my life.
I'm going to brainstorm 10 ways.
1. I think the first thing is to do as much of it as I want and can. The more I do it. The more I want to do it.
2. Do it at dawn. Be prepared to hear a voice saying it's too hard, saying I don't feel like it. Be prepared to override that voice at all costs. This is the purpose of my life. My life's mission. No more sleeping in. Believe Ringo. Every day at dawn for six months and "you will change."
3. Make this commitment to the universe. Not to me, but to all sentient beings. Ask the question, repeatedly: Would I be walking away from this commitment if I made it to someone else? Know that I am doing this for the world.
4. Do it like my life depends on it. Because it does.
5. Let Ben know that I'm going to be meditating in the morning from now, and that he has to accept that.
6. When I hear that voice that tells me I can do it later, answer "should I do it later?"
7. Do it as though an audience were waiting for me.
8. Cheer myself as though I were an audience
9. When I'm tempted to go back to sleep, watch the news, avoid my meditation time, advise myself as though I were advising someone else.
10. Know my mission: Who I want to be, What I want to do, What I want to have.
So why is it so hard to maintain the practice that allows this?
Why is it so hard for me to get up early in the morning? Why is it so hard for me to stick to my hour? Why so impossible to do a bit in the afternoon when I need that energy boost? Why can't a I do a little before I go to bed?
Why would I rather do all the distracting things I end up doing? If I know, If I believe that this is my liberation?
What do I need to do to commit to my inner purpose?
Well it's easy to commit. But what do I need to do to maintain this commitment? How do I marry my Zhan Zhuang? Because I do believe this is the primary purpose of my life.
I'm going to brainstorm 10 ways.
1. I think the first thing is to do as much of it as I want and can. The more I do it. The more I want to do it.
2. Do it at dawn. Be prepared to hear a voice saying it's too hard, saying I don't feel like it. Be prepared to override that voice at all costs. This is the purpose of my life. My life's mission. No more sleeping in. Believe Ringo. Every day at dawn for six months and "you will change."
3. Make this commitment to the universe. Not to me, but to all sentient beings. Ask the question, repeatedly: Would I be walking away from this commitment if I made it to someone else? Know that I am doing this for the world.
4. Do it like my life depends on it. Because it does.
5. Let Ben know that I'm going to be meditating in the morning from now, and that he has to accept that.
6. When I hear that voice that tells me I can do it later, answer "should I do it later?"
7. Do it as though an audience were waiting for me.
8. Cheer myself as though I were an audience
9. When I'm tempted to go back to sleep, watch the news, avoid my meditation time, advise myself as though I were advising someone else.
10. Know my mission: Who I want to be, What I want to do, What I want to have.
Monday, August 31, 2009
the chocolat cake that has changed my life
Years and years dedicated to standing in one place. So little thought going into my nutrition. I've never thought I needed a lot of thought. I'm healthy. I don't eat TOO bad I say to myself. But the truth is I rarely eat THAT well.
This has changed recently. A little over a month ago, mid July I guess, I came across a recipe for raw chocolate cake. So simple. Just some dates, some walnuts, some cocoa and salt, mixed up in a food processor. I loved it. But more importantly my son loved it.
I started googling raw foodist, and came across the Green Smoothie Challenge. This is essentially developing the practice of blending greens and fruit together every day into about a litre of liquid and drinking that daily. I did it. It felt good. Now I'm experimenting with eating as much raw food as I can reasonably tolerate.
I feel good. Better. Way better than I have in a long time.
In one raw foodist blog, the blogger sheepishly commented that eating raw food creating this pervasive psychological feeling of being connected to nature. It's true. I was walking in the park the other day and suddenly all the greens felt greener and I didn't have to struggle so much to be "mindful" of nature. I felt like I was part of nature.
So standing like a tree has now morphed into eating trees, or their smaller cousins. I'm very curious to see how this impacts my practice.
Which by the way has diminished considerably in the last month, as it always does when I go on vacation.
But glad to be back.
This has changed recently. A little over a month ago, mid July I guess, I came across a recipe for raw chocolate cake. So simple. Just some dates, some walnuts, some cocoa and salt, mixed up in a food processor. I loved it. But more importantly my son loved it.
I started googling raw foodist, and came across the Green Smoothie Challenge. This is essentially developing the practice of blending greens and fruit together every day into about a litre of liquid and drinking that daily. I did it. It felt good. Now I'm experimenting with eating as much raw food as I can reasonably tolerate.
I feel good. Better. Way better than I have in a long time.
In one raw foodist blog, the blogger sheepishly commented that eating raw food creating this pervasive psychological feeling of being connected to nature. It's true. I was walking in the park the other day and suddenly all the greens felt greener and I didn't have to struggle so much to be "mindful" of nature. I felt like I was part of nature.
So standing like a tree has now morphed into eating trees, or their smaller cousins. I'm very curious to see how this impacts my practice.
Which by the way has diminished considerably in the last month, as it always does when I go on vacation.
But glad to be back.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Ambition
When I stand religiously, I realize that this dissolution of self is just as much a physical process as an insight. Although the two work hand in hand. This morning I did a very light practice, but I realized that the process is allowing myself to give in to the energy. Let go of all the tension that comes from the illusion that I have to depend on my body to hold me up. The more I let go of the illusion of the body, the more I sink into the energy, the more powerful I am because I'm not me anymore. I'm this energy. And then I realize how silly ambition is. My job is to connect with this energy. It is the energy that is going to decide and guide my destiny. Maybe I'll be a great spiritual teacher. Maybe I'll just be a energy holder. Doesn't matter because we're all part of the same energy. I am that great spiritual teacher. That great spiritual teacher is just someone who connects everyday to the energy like I do. It's silly to wish that I be the most important part of the whole.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
letting my body dissolve
I'm reading the Dalai Lama's book on Enlightenment. And coming aware of the importance of meditating on this illusion of separateness from the world. Dependence arising he calls it.
Here's what's happening in my Zhan Zhuan practice. I wait now until I connect with a voice that is mine, and not quite mine. A voice that comes from the center of my brain. It is authoritive, it tells me what to do. It tells me that I have to wait patiently and allow my body to disove into the energy that surrounds me. That the pain in my body is mostly my anxiety that the universe isn't supporting me. But once I realize that this is an illusion that thre is this magnetic energy surrounding me and supporting me, I can relax and the energy starts to flow in me.
At this point I have a concrete feeling of my connection with this universal energy. I realize, or I feel that it is true, that my body itself is just something I, as this energy, am inhabiting. I am the energy that surrounds me. I always have been and I always will be.
This could be just a "trick" of my parietal lobe shutting down because I'm in stillness. But intellectually there is some truth to the interconnectedness of things. And it is a wonderfully liberating feeling to feel part of the world, or an energy greater than your one little body.
My goal these days is to meditate four times a day. At dawn, in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. I want to re connect with this feeling four times a day. And I can. I know I can, it's not just a "lucky" feeling anymore. I can connect with this voice now regularly, it's just a matter of waiting until that part of my brain opens up. I can teach myself now.
Here's what's happening in my Zhan Zhuan practice. I wait now until I connect with a voice that is mine, and not quite mine. A voice that comes from the center of my brain. It is authoritive, it tells me what to do. It tells me that I have to wait patiently and allow my body to disove into the energy that surrounds me. That the pain in my body is mostly my anxiety that the universe isn't supporting me. But once I realize that this is an illusion that thre is this magnetic energy surrounding me and supporting me, I can relax and the energy starts to flow in me.
At this point I have a concrete feeling of my connection with this universal energy. I realize, or I feel that it is true, that my body itself is just something I, as this energy, am inhabiting. I am the energy that surrounds me. I always have been and I always will be.
This could be just a "trick" of my parietal lobe shutting down because I'm in stillness. But intellectually there is some truth to the interconnectedness of things. And it is a wonderfully liberating feeling to feel part of the world, or an energy greater than your one little body.
My goal these days is to meditate four times a day. At dawn, in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. I want to re connect with this feeling four times a day. And I can. I know I can, it's not just a "lucky" feeling anymore. I can connect with this voice now regularly, it's just a matter of waiting until that part of my brain opens up. I can teach myself now.
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